SCU
by RuggerKid
Summary: Basically, imagine that Spencer and Ashley don't meet until college. Ashley's a little more of a tomboy and a rebel, but Spencer's kind of the same...almost. Check it out if you want.
1. And You Are?

The blonde squinted exasperatedly at the map in her hand, as if staring at it with enough annoyance would cause the thing to speak, and actually _give _her directions, instead of leaving her to decipher them on her own. She was once again in the middle of the quad, the same quad she kept finding herself in no matter _which _direction she went. She was close to believing she had stepped into some parrallel universe where she'd never find her way, and would be forever trapped amongst students who shoved rudely past her. _They all know where _they're _going_, she thought, a scowl creasing her brows, _or they're at least doing a damned decent job of pretending they do_.

"Hey," a voice boomed behind her, causing the girl to jump. "You look a little lost." She spun on her heel and found herself staring not at someone's face, but more like, someone's well muscled, ridiculously defined pectorals.

"Uh, yeah," she ran a hand through her hair as she looked up, a little disappointed that a guy with such an amazing body could have such a grody face. He smiled and she quelled a shiver of disgust. _Brush your teeth much? _"Actually, I _am_ a little lost. I'm looking for Doredy Hall, but it seems to be avoiding me."

"Oh, that's no problem," he placed an arm around her shoulders, "I can show you where that building is...by the way, did I mention my name?"

The blonde opened her mouth to reply, as she worked futilely to keep her eyes from watering at the foul odor that emenated from his mouth, but was interrupted before she began, by a brunette who appeared from nowhere at her elbow. "No, you didn't mention your name," she grabbed the blonde's arm, pulling her away from I-bathe-once-a-millenia boy, "and I don't think you need to, that's really cruel you know." She continued, jabbing the guy in his chest.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"God only knows what diseases you've infected her with just by touching her. Not cool man, not _even _cool."

His eyes narrowed dangerously, "You're such a little--"

"Bitch, skank, hoe?" The auburn haired girl filled in with an air of indifference. "I've heard them all before...and hearing it from you is just pretty damned laughable. C'mon," she pulled on the blonde's arm, "we're leaving." and drug her off before she could get a word in edgewise.

The honey-haired girl followed with no resistance, trying to ignore the curses that were being thrown their way. _God! Am I _ever _gonna get to Doredy Hall? In oh, I don't know, at least this _century_! And who..._"Woah, woah, wait!" She snatched her arm from the other girl's grasp. "Who _are _you?"

"Ashley." she adjusted her baseball cap with a sigh, pulling a piece of paper from her back pocket, unfolding it to reveal her next scheduled class. Her eyes quickly scanned the page, before she gave a curt nod, folded it once again, and returned it to its original spot.

"Okay Ashley, I'm Spencer." She paused, thinking she would get a response, but Ashley only stared at her with a faint look of boredom, making itself known, on her face. _Neat, she's a talkative one, isn't she?_ "Right...look, I was just about to find out where Doredy Hall was before you came and kamikazed that particular plan."

Ashley rolled her eyes, "Whatev, that was Tyler, and if he had his way, you would _not _be going to...what was that building again?"

"Doredy." _...stupid..._ "And what the hell?"

"You're a freshman right?" Spencer nodded, not really understand what that had to do with anything. "Well, we can tell who the freshmen are on campus."

"No you can't!" Spencer exclaimed, embarrassed indignation coloring her cheeks.

"Uhhh, yeah we can. You all wander around looking lost, with your little maps pulled out and held up to the sun like your worshiping some greek god...long of the short is, Tyler likes to take advantage of scared little freshman girls like yourself" Ashley lowered her sunglasses so she could look directly into Spencer's eyes. "And a piece like you? Well, he would have been bragging to his other skanky frat brothers for days."

"Get real, I wouldn't have done anything with him."

"What you want, doesn't really matter to that guy."

"What?"

"Doredy, huh?" Ashley spoke, ignoring the questioning look Spencer was giving her. _Learn to keep your damned mouth shut Davies._ "You see that statue of the uptight guy who looks like he's got a stick shoved up his ass?" Spencer nodded, feeling her mouth lift up in a half smile. "Yeah, that building that you're also now looking at, directly behind the ass man statue? That's Doredy."

"But...but how?" Spencer studied her map with a frown, "This thing says that Doredy is on the other side of campus!"

"That's because," Ashley reached over, flipping the map, "your map is upside down. That could put a bit of a damper on things."

"Then how did I keep ending up in the quad?"

"You probably didn't end up in the _same _quad. Didn't you read the 'come to our school' propaganda pamphlet?" Ashley schooled her face into one of absolute seriousness, lowering her voice as far as possible. "Bustling with student life, this is the place to bring your creative and pot smoking dreams to reality! Live with the granola heads, hug trees, and enjoy insane amounts of ultimate frisbee on over twelve campus quads!" She raised an eyebrow as she continued, "What's that you ask? How are our professors? Uh, um, we've got quads! Lots of quads!"

"That is _not_" Spencer spoke, holding back laughter, "what that paphlet said."

The brunette shrugged, "Well, that's what it _should _have said." She cocked her head to the side, making a sudden decision. "Here," she pulled a pen from the pocket of her low rise jeans, hastily scribbling across the top of Spencer's map, "call my cell, or IM me if you have questions or whatnot." She threw a wink at Spencer, "Good luck finding your way around blondie. And remember," she called over her shoulder as she walked away, "right side up, my dear, right side up."

_Now that was certainly…__different_. Spencer turned her attention back to Doredy building. "Neat," she muttered to herself. "European literature during the Victorian period. Sounds...absolutely boring."

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _ashley?_

**RevolutionAsh:** Yeah. . .who's this?

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _spencer_

**RevolutionAsh:** . . . . . . .

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _i was looking for doredy hall earlier?_

**RevolutionAsh:** Yeah, no. I still have no clue.

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _i was reading my map upside down!_

**RevolutionAsh:** Hahaha, I knew who you were. I just wanted to see if you would admit to reading your map that way.

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _very funny...are you doing anything 2night?_

**RevolutionAsh:** I'll answer that question as soon as you tell me what is _up _with that s/n!

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _i...uh...that was my favorite song when my parents finally decided to get internet..._

**RevolutionAsh:** You do know you can _change _it, right?

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _u can? i mean, yeah, okay, so what? about what I asked, are you busy tonight?_

**RevolutionAsh:** It's the first day of school Spencer, _nobody's _busy the first day. Can't wait to see me again, huh?

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _i could if i wanted to...wait...nevermind. just someone invited me to this party and i didn't want to go alone so could you, maybe..._

**RevolutionAsh:** Sure, I'll come keep you safe. Hahaha, where's this party?

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _howell street, 2314_

**RevolutionAsh:** That's chill. I'll meet you there in thirty, alright?

**OopsIdiditAgn:** _great, thanks a lot_

**RevolutionAsh:** No big. Peace out.

OopsIdiditAgn _k, bye_

"Welcome to your first frat kegger," Ashley said with a grimace, tugging nervously on the brim of her hat as she and Spencer stepped into a scene of _Animal House_, only this version was updated for the year 2006.

"Um, thanks?" Spencer found herself yelling to be heard over the pounding bass that shook the house to its very foundations. _They could at least play the _Black Eyed Peas_, there's something to dance to...how exactly do I 'shake my groove thang' to gangsta rap? _"There're a lot of people here!"

"It _is _one of the first parties of the year Spencer, everyone is trying to get wasted. They've been deprived all summer!" She waggled her eyebrows, "It's damned near impossible to take a shot of vodka at the dinner table if your parents are there...well, you could, but really that would earn you quite a bit of time in hell, giving your parents heartattacks on the Lord's day...all things considering."

_She has the dryest sense of humor..._"That would be a little wrong, huh?" Ashley simply shrugged her shoulders, a smirk resting on her mouth.

_Blondie's lost in this place. _"Look," Ashley leaned over, speaking into Spencer's ear so she would no longer have to yell. "You want a beer or something?"

"Don't I have to pay?" _Wow...she's standing a little close...I guess, that alright. The party _is _crowded. _

Ashley made a show of looking her new found blonde friend up and down, "You? No, I'll cover you this once." She pulled her wallet from the back pocket of her slightly sagging cargo pants, oblivious to the light blush that rose to Spencer's face. "Just remember, whenever you head to a kegger, bring at least six bucks, that'll cover the charge some people put on being able to drink from the keg, alright? I'll be back."

Spencer watched her closely as she exited the room, disappearing into what she assumed was the kitchen. _What was that look all about...and...is she wearing boxers? Isn't that a little weird? _She thought, moving to lean against a wall, waiting for Ashley's return.

"Yo, big Brad!" Ashley called out, as she saw the bear of a college student in charge of dispensing the keg's beer. _I wouldn't be suprised if he could bench press the damned thing...while it's _full

"Ash!" The big man dropped the keg hose, laughing as he picked up Ashley in a hug.

"Big B?" Ashley wheezed out.

"Yeah, Ash?"

"Dude, you're hurting me!"

"Oh, sorry!" Brad quickly sat Ashley back on the ground, "Nothing too bad?"

Ashley let out a laugh, "No, nothing's broken...this time. But hey, I need to pay for myself and my friend." She handed over the cash, only to have Brad refuse it.

"No way Ash," he shook his head vehemently, "you're not drinking, remember?"

"Brad." Ashley deadpanned, leveling him with an aggravated stare.

"C'mon Ashley, remember how bad it got last year?"

"That, my friend, was last year." She tucked the money into the front pocket of his shirt. "This year is something completely different. Stress less," She stated, nodding towards two of the plastic red cups resting on the counter, "and kindly fill those up."

Brad sighed, and scratched nervously at the red goatee that covered the lower half of his face, before giving in. "Fine, but Ash, please...keep it chill, alright?"

"As an ice cube," she promised, taking the beers from large hands before he changed his mind, "thanks man." Ashley exited the kitchen, looking for Spencer, her eyes scanning the overly crowded room. _This has _got _to be some sort of fire hazard. I mean, seriously..._She found her target, and began heading over towards the blonde girl, not at all suprised to see her talking to a guy who looked more than interested. _Yup, I'm not suprised. She's not what you'd call average looking..._

"Listen, I'm really not interested." She heard Spencer saying as she got closer. The blonde looked up and Ashley found herself locked in a gaze of electrifying blue, silently pleading for help.

"Here ya go." Ashley stepped in between Spencer and the blockhead, keeping her back turned to him, as she handed over a cup of beer.

"Excuse me," the idiot grabbed Ashley's shoulder, spinning her roughly around, "but I think you saw I was in the middle of something."

"Oh, that pitiful sight of you trying to pick up someone who _clearly _wasn't interested?" She tilted her head up, so she looked him in the eye, "I definitely saw it. Noted it, laughed at it, and discarded it."

"You think you're funny don't you?" He took a step closer, his jaw clenching and unclenching in rising anger.

_Is this guy for real? _"No, I don't think I'm funny," Ashley replied, inching her hand up to her belt, fingering the switch blade she kept tucked away, "sarcastic? Cynical? Even bitchy I think I would agree with, but funny? No, but how about you get lost, huh? Or do you need me to spell it in braille on your forehead?"

"Your opinion doesn't matter...the chick hasn't said anything yet." He squared his shoulders, trying to make himself appear larger.

"See, I wasn't kidding." Spencer said, stepping up behind Ashley, and laying a hand against the small of her back, suprised to feel the tenseness that resided there, as if the brown-haired girl were simply waiting for a reason to pounce. "I'm not really into cheating."

"He ain't gotta know anything." The boy leered.

"Right, but _she _kind of already does."

Ashley had to work at keeping her eyes from widening in shock at Spencer's announcement. _She's good...here I was ready to slice and dice the dick, and she takes care of it, no blood shed. Hah. _"You heard her. Back off," she growled. "the _chick _isn't interested."

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?" The girl's only stared mutely back at him, one with a look of annoyance, the other seething without something he had no intentions of unleashing. "Whatever, fuckin' dykes." He spat the words out, before turning on his heel and disappearing into the gyrating mass of people who hadn't even noticed a thing.

Ashley felt some of the tension drain from her, "How about we get out of here?" Spencer nodded, still having not released her grip on Ashley's hand. "Rule number two-hundred eighty-two of college survival: if you end up beefin' with somebody at a party, leave. Things always escalate if you don't."

"Didn't think the night would be that eventful." Spencer spoke, once they had gotten outside and began walking the four blocks back to campus.

"Hah, well, the night isn't over yet. We were in there for about thirty minutes, tops. There's still plenty to get into."

"Yeah, I guess you're right..." she nibbled on her bottom lip, contemplating whether she should ask her question or not.

"Spill it."

"But...I hadn't even _said _anything!"

"Doesn't mean you didn't look like you had something to say. So go ahead, say it."

"When you were arguing with that guy, what were you holding onto?"

Ashley released Spencer's hand, having forgotten she was even holding it, and pulled her knife from her pocket. "This."

"Why...why would you carry something like that?"

"For protection, it's better than carrying a gun." Noting the puzzled look on Spencer's face, she expanded on the idea. "You can accidentally shoot someone, kill them, but you can _never _accidentally stab someone. If you do that, that's purposeful, and you really have to be aware of what you're doing. So, I think they're better that way."

"I guess that makes sense." Spencer stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, spreading her arms out before her, "Where to now?"

"There's another kegger on Mills Street."

Spencer rolled her eyes, "How about not...I was thinking something with a little less excitement, and possibly something that won't have me downtown explaining how you turned some moronic frat boy into human sushi. Not exactly my idea of a good time."

"Tia's. We can go there, it's this little italian restaurant bout ten blocks east. Their strombolis are kick ass."

Spencer's eyes lit up. "That has to be the most amazing idea I've heard all day."

"I take it you're hungry?"

"Starved."


	2. Nice To Meet You Anyway

"Uh, I thought you said this was a _nice _restaurant?" Spencer said, as she stepped through the door Ashley held open for her. Looking around and noticing how damned dirty everything looked. The booths looked as though they hadn't been wiped clean in over a century, if the place had been opened that long, and she felt a ridiculous sense of fear of possibly touching any surface because God only knew what unknown viruses lay beneath the inch of grime.

"See, that's where you heard what you wanted to hear." Ashley said with a smirk as she led the way to a corner booth in the back, and sat down. "I _said _their strombolis were kick ass. I _never _said the place was nice. Besides," she continued as Spencer sat down across from her, "you're in college now, you'll learn."

"Learn what?" _What lesson could their possibly be behind eating in a place that probably serves stewed Eboli?_

"In a college town, the dirtier the place, the better and cheaper the food. And I'm damned near positive _Tia's _restaurant is one point above being shut down by the health department, and I kid you not when I say I've accidentally eaten a roach."

"You what!" Spencer's golden eyebrows shot up her face.

"Eh, I thought it was burnt sausage...kinda gross, but oh well." She removed her hat, tossed it to the side, and ran a hand through her mocha locks. "So what do you wanna eat?" She asked, a mischievous twinkle in her golden-brown eyes.

"An antibiotic." Spencer deadpanned. Ashley stared at her companion for a moment, before bursting out in laughter, tears beginning to sting the corners of her eyes as she held her sides. "It wasn't _that _funny..." Spencer said, looking a little put out.

"I know, I know..." she took a second to compose herself, "that's just something I would have said is all. It just struck me as funny. Honestly--" she broke off as a shadow fell over the table.

"You ladies gonna eat tonight?" A pink-haired waitress asked in a bored tone that let no guessing to whether or not she actually gave a rat's ass if they did nothing but sit in the booth sucking air all night. "Well?" She pushed, as she rolled her eyes in Spencer's direction as she blonde girl stared up with bug eyes as though she'd never seen anyone with dyed hair before.

"Actually, Kara, how about you hook us up with two supreme strombolis, how 'bout that?" Ashley spoke up, leaning forward on her forearms, "and two lemonades. Cool?"

"Ash?" The waitress turned her piercing gaze from Spencer to Ashley. The brunette just looked up, giving a curt nod.

"Yeah."

"How've you been?" Kara began speaking animatedly, "everyone was so worried after--"

"Look. I don't feel like rehashing the past at the moment. How about you just get us some food?" Kara's mouth snapped shut, her eyes narrowing for a moment before she spun on her heel, heading to the kitchen.

"Uh, what was that all about?" Spencer questioned, hitching a thumb in Kara's direction.

"Nothing." Ashley monotoned, crossing her arms, and leaning back against her seat. _Stupid. I should have known Kara was working tonight_.

"Sure..." Spencer let the subject drop, not entirely sure she believed that it was actually nothing. _Pushing matters won't solve anything. I barely know this girl_.

"I _would _tell you, and everything" Ashley met Spencer's eye, her mouth pulling up in a half smile, "but this is just a freshman friendship. I'll be gone by tomorrow."

"Freshman friendship?" Spencer leaned forward. _I swear she must be making most of this stuff up. Just pulling it straight out of her ass. _"Explain."

"Well, freshmen tend to latch onto the first person that's nice to them." Spencer began to open her mouth to speak, obviously slightly offended by what Ashley had just said. "Let me finish, okay?" Spencer nodded. "Anyway, they become friends" Ashley made quotation marks in the air, "with this one person who they just swear they're gonna know their entire college career, except, nobody ever stays friends with the first person they meet freshman year. Hell, I barely even remember what my freshman friend looked like."

"You can't be serious."

"Serious as a hooker working the red light district. Listen, there's even a formula you can use."

"Ashley, c'mon, do I have the words gullible dumbass on my forehead?"

"No, but we could remedy that. There's a tattoo parlor down the street. If you wanna take care of that little problem."

"No thanks," Spencer felt a smile come across her face despite herself. "About this formula?"

"Yeah, the formula. Basically, you take how many times you've hung out, then divide it by how long you've known the person, multiplied by how many ridiculous things you've seen said person do."

"That makes no sense." Spencer's eyebrows had knitted together in a line.

"It makes total sense. I've known you for what? Nearly ten hours, and I've seen you read a map upside down. Neat, but that's not _that_ embarrassing, I couldn't ruin your reputation off that so it doesn't count, and we've hung out once. So, twelve times zero, divided by one.." Ashley paused looking slightly confused. "Which...mathematically, means our relationship is undefined."

"I can deal with that. We're gonna stay friends Ashley. That little formula didn't work. We," she reached across the table giving Ashley's hand a quick squeeze, "my friend, are undefined."

"Two strombolis." The waitress had returned, "and two lemonades." she finished, slamming the food down on the table.

"Did someone shove a barbed-wire bat up your ass?" Ashley snapped, as she used a napkin to wipe up some of the lemonade that had spilled from her cup, from the forcefulness of being placed on the table. "And do you _want _one shoved up there?"

"Ashley!" Spencer exclaimed.

"Give it a rest Ashley. You're not fooling anyone. Trying to act all hard," Kara continued speaking, her upper lip curled slightly in derision. "I see right through it, and so does everyone else. We all know what happened--"

"Excuse me?" Ashley shot up from her seat and was in Kara's face in an instant, her eyes narrowed menacingly as she clenched her jaw so tightly it would be a miracle if she were ever able to unclamp it. "You don't know shit." She took a step closer, forcing Kara to take a fearful step backwards. "You run your mouth all you want, but you remember, you. Don't. Know. Shit. Got it?"

"Whatever Ashley." Kara took another step backwards, putting space between her and the seething brunette. "You tell yourself whatever you need to hear, it's the only was someone as fucked up as you could sleep at night." Ashley rushed the girl, bringing her fist around nearly connecting with Kara's face, but pulled back when she found herself staring into Spencer's concerned eyes.

"Woah, Ashley?" Spencer placed a hand over Ashley's balled fist, slowly lowering it, "Let it go, okay?" Her azure eyes bore into Ashley, silently begging her to calm down, and to Ashley's surprise she felt the anger slowly dissipitating, leaving her feeling slightly hollow.

"I..." Ashley began, casting her eyes downward, annoyed that she'd let Kara egg her on.

"No worries." Spencer gave her a little smile. "How about we just go somewhere else?"

"Yeah, get the hell outta here!" Kara called, around Spencer, hiding behind the small blonde.

"And you," Spencer spun around, facing Kara. "learn when to keep your damned mouth shut. It wasn't like you couldn't tell what you were saying was upsetting her. Have you no damned sense at all? Leave us alone, because next time, I won't stop her from kickin your sorry ass. Understood?"

"You two are just perfect for each other." Kara spat in disgust as she hurried away from the duo.

"Um...thanks." Ashley muttered, digging in her pocket for her wallet, throwing a twenty on the table.

"You're actually gonna pay?"

"Yeah...just because Kara's an ass, doesn't mean I shouldn't pay the owner, you know?"

"I guess," Spencer began following Ashley from the restaurant, but not before noticing a small picture tucked beneath the twenty. She glanced up to check if Ashley had turned, looking for her, before moving the twenty aside, staring at the picture. Ashley was standing in front of a tall red-head, the other girl's arms wrapped tightly around Ashley's waist, her head on the brunette's shoulder, both of them smiling at the camera. _She actually looks genuinely happy, _Spencer thought, running her finger over the picture. _I wonder who that girl is..._

"You coming?" Ashley called over her shoulder.

"On the way..." Spencer quickly caught up with Ashley, smiling as the brunette held the door open for her once again. _Something's off..._she backpedaled into _Tia's _walking quickly back to their booth, and reappearing a few seconds later her eyebrow raised as she placed Ashley's hat back on her head.

"Oh, thanks." Ashley tugged the hat more comfortably on her head. "What made you think about it? I had totally forgotten about the damned thing." She ran her hand over the brim. "It's one of my favorites too."

Spencer bumped shoulders playfully with Ashley, "I could see your eyes."

"What does that have to do with my hat?"

"It didn't look like you were hiding from me, but when you wear that hat, that's almost what it seems like. It seems like you're hiding."

"Oh." Ashley looked surprised, but quickly recovered.

"You know, I don't even know your full name."

"It's nothing special." Ashley kicked at a rock with her tennis shoe.

"I still wanna know." Spencer shot her a glance from the corner of her eye.

"Well..."

"Please?"

"Ashley Marie Davies. Neat, huh?"

"I like it...it fits you I think."

"What about you?"

"Spencer Gabrielle Carlin. Mom and dad put a lotta thought into that one. They couldn't decide on my name. I think that's how all middle names nowadays get started. They don't know what to name you, so they just name you both!"

"That's always a possibility." Ashley said with a small laugh. Spencer stopped walking, a strange expression on her face. "What?"

"It's nice to meet you Ashley Marie."

Ashley quirked her head to the side, "It's nice to meet you too...Spencer Carlin."


	3. Evolution

Spencer supressed a groan as her alarm clock interrupted the peaceful silence of the dorm room with its incessantly shrill beeping. Bringing up her hand she slapped blindly at her computer desk, missing the clock completely and opting to just bury her head beneath a pillow. _I'm going to blow the damned thing up..._

"Spencer, for the love of all that is holy in this world, turn that flippin' thing off!" Her roommate Brie called from her side of the room, her body completely invisible beneath enough blankets to have kept her warm if the temperature dropped to negative one thousand degrees.

"Sorry." Spencer mumbled, climbing reluctantly from her bed, and facing down the clock whose numbers seemed to be glaring mockingly in her direction. _7:25...what was I thinking staying up so late last night...never again. I'm going to bed before eleven from now on. _Even as she thought it though, she knew the words to be a lie, she had already learned in just one evening that nobody in college goes to bed before two in the morning. She and Ashley had spent the better part of five hours walking around campus talking, and amazingly enough, the later it got, the more people there seemed to be running around outside acting a fool. Spencer flopped heavily down in her desk chair, her eyes burning and a small pounding headache building between her temples, from lack of sleep. _It is just not possible to function on three hours of sleep...ugh!_ She blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to relieve the dryness, noting Ashley's white baseball cap emblazoned with the letter 'A' on her desk. Ashley had given it to her, placing it gently on her head once they had reached her dorm, saying that she had over thirty and probably wouldn't miss one. Spencer had pointed out that she thought it was Ashley's favorite. The brunette only called over her shoulder as she left that there would be others, cut the corner, and was then gone. _It's strange_, she thought turning on her computer monitor, checking to see if she had any new instant messages, _that we talked til four in the morning, and she knows so much about me, but I still know almost nothing about her..._she immediately noticed there were no new messages, and her eyes, almost instantaneously, began to scan her buddylist seeking one name in particular. Spencer smiled a little, thinking, before she began typing out her message.

**StromboliKegger4Tu: **_hey ashley...what're you doing up so early?_

**RevolutionAsh:** Cute. Veeeery cute.

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** what?

**RevolutionAsh:** Your new s/n. It's cute.

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** haha, thanks. but um, you didn't answer my question. i thought you said you don't have class until noon...

**RevolutionAsh:** I don't. One of the perks of being a junior. Anyway, I just stayed up all night, so...

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** why in the hell would you do that! you must be about to pass out right now!

**RevolutionAsh:** Nah, I do it all the time, but I'm about to go hit up the jogging trail. I'll holla later.

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** jogging?

**RevolutionAsh:** Yup, four miles a day.

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** that is _not_ normal human behavior...at all...

**RevolutionAsh:** What? Why? It's just jogging.

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** no, the jogging i can understand. it's the jogging in the morning part i refuse to believe is normal. why else would god keep it slightly dark in the morning? why make the sun take so long to rise? because your ass is supposed to still be sleeping! not running around!

**RevolutionAsh:** Haha, lol. . . riiiiight, says the girl who's up this early to go to _class_. Later Spencer.

**StromboliKegger4Tu:** that's cold. you know i didn't get to make my schedule as a freshman!

**RevolutionAsh Auto Response:** **How to tell if you need a new president Tip #5780:** His approval rating is so low, that if it were his IQ, he'd choke on his own saliva. . . I wonder if the FBI is gonna show up at my door and arrest me for insulting old Dubya? Off Jogging. Back later.

Spencer covered her mouth to keep from laughing out loud, not wanting to wake her roommate again, before putting up an away message of her own, and stretching as she decided whether or not it was okay to go to the second day of classes in pajamas.

In the end, Spencer actually got dressed for class, though she was now wishing she hadn't because she desparately wanted to take a nap, but had the strange inability to fall asleep while wearing jeans. _I shoulda just kept on that frickin' pajamas..._

"Alright guys, I know your brains are still stuck in the bog of summer," Dr. Griever paced the front of the classroom as he spoke, "but this is a philosophy class, and no one is talking. So, unless you guys want to read seventy-five pages of the ramblings of Plato, I suggest you begin."

"I can't read that damned fast." Spencer heard someone to her right saying, their complaint lost in the collective groans of the class as a whole.

"In fact, to help you out I'll suggest something for discussion. Something that's not as strenuous as contemplating whether or not the chair you sit in exists or is simply a collective figment of the minds of society." Several students felt their eyes cross as Dr. Griever walked to his desk, sitting, and folding his hands across the top. "Am I sitting? Or do you only see that I'm sitting because that's what you _believe _you see, what you are _taught_ to see...but what if this is not the reality of the situation? What if life is simply an illusion waiting to be discovered." Everyone in the room continued to stare, open mouthed, some even went so far as to scratch their heads in confusion. "Don't worry, that is a topic for another day. Today you will speak on evolution and creationism. You have ten minutes to impress me, ten minutes before class lets out, and I assign enough reading to make you seriously begin to consider homocide as a possible solution. Go."

_I'm going to kill the academic advisor that made up my schedule. Why couldn't I be taking Intro to sociology? _Spencer absentmindedly rubbed her temples, some remnants of the morning's headache returning.

"Nine minutes." The professor stared pointedly at his wristwatch before returning his gaze once more to his class.

"What do you mean discuss it?" A wheat-blonde boy from the back of the room called up. "It's obvious that God created the world in seven days. I mean, it's in there in the Bible for crying out loud! Evolution is nothing but straight up bullshit." Dr. Griever's eyes widened slightly but he kept his silence.

A girl whose hair seemed to be lit afire spun around in her seat at the front, and Spencer felt her heart skip a beat as the girl locked eyes with the boy who had spoken first. _She's the one who was in the picture with Ashley..._"For someone who appears to be so passionate about God creating everything, I find it hard to believe that you could utter the word 'Bible' and 'bullshit' in the same breath. Evolution, clearly, makes the most sense." Several students began snickering, and even Dr. Griever raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement of the red-head having caught some of the blonde boy's hypocrisy.

"Well, what if they're both right?" Spencer spoke out before she even realized she had formed a coherent thought.

"Expand on that, if you don't mind." The professor nodded encouragingly from behind his desk.

Spencer swallowed past a lump that had lodged itself in her throat, once she realized the entire class was now focused on her, remembering too late how much she hated talking in front of crowds. "I...well, I just mean..." she took a deep breath to calm herself before trying again. "If you think about it, time is a man-made constraint. It's like, something _we _came up with, and before we created hours, and began separating our days into sixty minute increments, days didn't exist...things just kind of flowed together...but, since time was constructed by man, who's to say how long a day for God could be..." she hesistated a moment, ordering her thoughts before she continued, "if there _is_ a God, I'm sure He doesn't follow _our _rules, so a day to Him could be thousands of years, maybe even millions, and who's to say that He didn't put life on earth in the beginning, and simply guide the process of evolution? That way, they both exist at the same time? Evolution and creationism I mean...and He could have created the world in seven days, but seven _God _days, not human...but yeah...I guess that's what I'm trying to say." Spencer looked down at her desk and began rolling a pencil around nervously, waiting for someone to speak.

"Very good...very good." Dr. Griever smiled in her direction as he adjusted his wire-rim glasses. "You should all thank her. That young lady just saved everyone about two nights worth of reading." He stood, grabbing a few scattered folders from his desk. "You're all dismissed."

The room immediately erupted into controlled chaos as everyone exited as quickly as possible without causing harm to any of their fellow classmates. Spencer threw her notebook and pencil into her backpack, standing, and bumping right into the red-head as she was on her way out the door. "Sorry!" Spencer quickly apologized, reaching out a hand to steady the other girl, afraid she may have caused her to loose balance.

"Oh, no problem." The red-head flashed a stunning smile Spencer's way, "I'm sure you didn't try to knock me on my ass on purpose."

"Yeah, that was definitely a pdc moment..."

"Pretty damned close?"

"Nope, public display of clumsiness." Spencer said, pulling the strap of her bookbag over her shoulder. "Um, this might sound a little weird, but...I think you know one of my friends."

"Really?" She cocked her head to the side, "you'd have to tell me their name, and I'm Avi by the way."

"Right," _I feel like an idiot..._"her name's Ashley Davies, and you can call me Spencer."

Avi's easy-going demeanor immediately became more guarded, and Spencer wondered what she could have said to have invoked such a reaction. "Ashley Davies?" Her green eyes flashed with a flicker of emotions that Spencer was unable to decipher. "Yeah...I know her, or I used to..."

Spencer frowned, "What do you mean...used to? She's not dead you know." She made an attempt at a lame joke in the hopes of lightening Avi's suddenly dark mood.

"She might as well be." Avi locked her jade eyes on Spencer's blue. "Ashley was my girl--" she stopped short, unsure of whether or not she should say anything.

"She was your what?"

"She was one of my girl...friends. You know, just a really good friend." Her voice took on a slightly hurt tone. "But she changed, like, one minute she was okay, and then the next she wasn't and it didn't get any better. She told me to go away, so I did, and I haven't talked to her since then. Just, listen, be careful okay?"

"Be careful around Ashley?" Spencer asked incredulously, "she wouldn't hurt me, I mean, I barely know her, but she seems nice enough…"

"She won't hurt you intentionally, but...I shouldn't be talking to you about this. I'm gonna go." Avi walked out the door, "It was nice to meet you Spencer." She called back over her shoulder before disappearing into the throng of students crossing campus.

_What am I supposed to make of that?_

**RevolutionAsh:** Hey, I know you're not there, but I was trying to see if you had dinner plans or whatnot. I've got to do this open mic night at _LavaJava's _at eight, so just give me a call around nine if you're bored. Later.

**StromboliKegger4Tu Auto Response:** Gone to class. Gross. Flipping burgers for a living on minimum wage is actually starting to look pretty good. Leave it here.

Spencer settled herself in a back corner of _LavaJava's _having asked an employee whether or not Ashley had been on stage yet. She was anxious to see what Ashley was going to say, and although the message she had gotten upon returning to her room hadn't exactly invited her to the performance, it hadn't told her not to come either, and if Ashley decided to have a problem with her being there, she could always point that out. Although, she wasn't going to give that a chance to happen, hence her sitting in the shadows of the corner. The smell of freshly ground coffee assaulted her senses and she was suddenly craving a mocha latte, only deciding not to indulge because she knew, as late as it was, she'd be up nearly all night again, and she couldn't afford another night with practically no sleep. The coffee shop was filled with people, and she could only assume they were all there for the open mic night, same as she was. Spencer looked to the stage and realized with a start, that Ashley was already sitting at microphone level on a stool, a acoustic guitar that looked to have more than its fair share of use held ready in her hands. _Let's see what this is all about then..._

Ashley's eyes scanned the crowd, pausing on the corner where Spencer sat hidden in the shadows, as though she had seen her, before they continued their quick inspection. The brunette looked down, strumming a few opening chords, opening her mouth to begin then quickly snapping it shut as though wondering if she wanted to share the thoughts on her mind. She closed her eyes a moment, and began shortly afterwards, her only introduction having been offering those present her first name. "One shot to the heart, without breaking the skin...no one has the power to hurt you like your friends. Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else. You didn't even want to admit it to yourself..." Spencer found herself leaning forward, pulled in by the barely disguised pain in Ashley's voice. "And now your chest burns and your back aches, from walking around holding in the pain...and you only have yourself to blame if you continue to live this way..." Her fingers stilled on the guitar strings, her jaw clenched tight as she struggled to regain her composure.

_C'mon Ashley...you can finish this..._Ashley bowed her head, pulling her hat even further down. Spencer could see her visibly swallowing as her shaking fingers began moving once more across the strings. "And I wanna go where the mountains are high enough, to echo my song...I wanna go where the river runs deep enough to drown my shame, and I wanna go where the stars shine bright enough to show me the way, I wanna go...where the wind calls my name..." As the chord died out she stood abrubtly, giving a short nod to the crowd and exiting quickly from the stage, disappearing around back. The audience sat stunned for a moment, absorbing what they had just heard, before erupting into thunderous applause. Spencer clapped along with them, her hands stinging by the time she was finished, and stood to go find Ashley. Weaving her way around people and tables, the blonde entered the tiny backstage area, suprised no one had asked her what it was she thought she was doing, and found Ashley sitting on top of a table, her guitar leaning against a wall, and staring unseeing into space.

"Ashley?" Spencer spoke her name softly, not wanting to spook her dark haired friend.

Ashley's head turned slowly until her eyes met Spencer's, but the lost expression in them didn't change. "What are you doing here?" The question was asked flatly, as if she cared little what the response would be.

"I got your message..." She paused, thinking Ashley would have something more to say, but she was already once again, staring off into space. "Do you maybe want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Ashley let her eyes slide shut.

"Whatever it is that has you so upset."

"I'm not upset."

"You're not?" Spencer asked with gentle sarcasm. "Then why are you grinding your teeth? Why are your hands balled into fists, and why is your hat pulled down so low that I can barely make out your eyes..."

The brunette jumped up from the table, snatching her hat from her head, opening her eyes wide in exaggeration. "Is this better? Now you can see my damned eyes!" The eyes that she spoke of simmered as she spoke in a low, menacing voice. "Why are you even bothering me?" She brushed angrily past Spencer, roughly grabbing her guitar from the wall. "Don't talk about me like you know me. We met _yesterday_, get it? You don't know me, and I don't know you, so stop trying to interpret and analyze my mannerisms." She headed towards the backstage exit, turning around for a moment, "Here's a novel idea. Find some new friends. You've been here for practically forty-eight hours, and I bet I'm the only person you know other than your roommate. I said last night that our relationship, or whatever the hell you want to call it was undefined. I was wrong." She glared angrily at Spencer, "It's not undefined, it's completely unneccessary." The honey-haired blonde let her go, not fully understand what it was that had just occurred.

_Maybe Avi was right...this is too complicated. Way too complicated…_

**_The Song Ashley Sings Belongs To India Arie and I Own None of The Rights_**


	4. Strange Occurences

"Spencer, are you okay?"

The golden-haired girl glanced up from her plate of cold fries that she had been mashing with a fork into the swirling green and blue concerned eyes of her friend Derrick. "I'm fine...just thinking I guess."

"You sure?" His eyebrows drew together in a slightly worried frown.

"Yeah," Spencer forced a smile, "I'm sure" She knew what she said wasn't the slightest bit believable, but what could she honestly tell him? She hadn't seen or spoken to Ashley for nearly a month and a half, not that she hadn't tried, but the confusing brunette seemed to have dropped clean off the planet. Every phone call she made was never picked up, and every instant message she sent remained unanswered. _Ashley wasn't kidding when she told me to find new friends...I just wish...why do I even care this much? It's not like I even really knew her..._she reached across the table, taking Derrick's hand in hers. "Let's get out of here." She glanced around the small diner, "This fifties music is killing me. If I hear one more song where some guy is crooning about his little sister's sixteenth birthday, I may just vomit up my burger...seriously."

Derrick grimaced at the mental image as he shook his cinnamon colored locks from his face, "Yeah, let's not have that?" He stood, waiting for Spencer to join him as they headed to pay for the meal. "Got any idea what you wanna get into tonight?" He asked, pulling his debit card from his wallet.

"I don't know, just something I haven't done before. Maybe...hey!" Spencer placed her hand over his as he began to hand over his card. "I've got money."

He tossed a crooked grin her way. "I'm sure you do, I'm just paying for the meal of a friend. No strings, okay?" Spencer stared up at him a moment, before removing her hand and giving a reluctant nod. Derrick said it was just because she was his friend, but she knew better. She knew that he liked her...the boy had damned near been courting her since the first day they had met while working on a class project for Victorian Lit. _He's a good guy...cute too._ She looked him over from the corner of her eye. _Nice jaw line...very Brad Pitt...damn, why I don't feel the need to jump this guy's bones, I don't know._ She let out a sigh as she realized that at some point she would have to let him know that she wasn't interested in him as more than a friend, though only God could possibly know the reason why. "C'mon, I've got it." He held open the door as Spencer passed through. "Ever been clubbin' before?"

Spencer shot him a look, "Clubbin'? Uh...I think I can safely say I haven't. Why?"

A grin spread across his face as he wiggled his eyebrows in her direction.

"Because _False Alarm _is having college night, and you're going."

"_False Alarm?_"

"Yup."

"Me...at a club?"

"You...at a club, and we're going now before you try to find some way to weasel out of it."

"I don't know," Spencer held her hands out palms up, "I don't really have anything to wear and--"

"Oh no, you're going." He looked her over, up and down, causing her to blush. "And you can wear that skirt, take your jacket off and the shirt is perfect." Derrick grabbed her hand pulling her towards his yellow soft-hooded Jeep. "You said you wanted to do something you haven't done before, and unless you wanna come over to my apartment and hit up a gravity bong, I suggest you take the safe route and come with me. To the club."

"This is so not going to end well..."

**SA**

"Why am I here?" Spencer shouted over the loud music that was thumping so loudly she was fairly certain that if she had an unexpected heart attack when she crumpled to the ground, the bass line in the song would work in resuscitating her.

"Because you're going to have fun, that's why." Derrick shouted back, his head already moving to the beat. "And it's this or the bong, at least this way you get to retain some brain cells."

"What good is that going to do me if I'm deaf before I ever reach twenty-five?" Someone rushed by, no doubt heading to the club's bar, pushing Spencer into Derrick, who immediately wrapped his arms around her preventing an unceremonious dump to the floor. "Thanks." She felt Derrick's arms tighten around her and leaned back so that she were able to look him in the eye. "Um..." _Why is he looking at me like that? Uh-oh. _"Derrick?" She spoke his name just as his head began to lower, closer to hers, "Would you get me something to drink?" _I am _so _stalling for time_, "Please?"

He pulled back startled, looking slightly disappointed. "Yeah, sure." His arms fell from her sides. "I'll be right back. Stay here, alright?" She gave a quick nod as he hurried away, taking in the atmosphere of her surroundings. _College night…__great. I get to deal with a bunch of horny, drunk frat boys all night. At least Derrick's here he won't let anything happen...then again, he may be the_ cause _of something happening. _Spencer caught sight of an empty chair against a wall and began heading towards it._ Maybe if I find Derrick a different girl tonight..._

"Dance with me." She heard a voice whisper so softly in her ear that she nearly wondered if she had imagined it amongst all the noise that surrounded her, until she felt an arm wrap its way around her waist, gently holding her in place. Spencer spun angrily around, ready to tell whoever it was where exactly their hands were to be kept, and felt all the anger evaporate from her as she met the intense brown eyes of none other than Ashley Davies. "Dance with me." She repeated once more, pulling Spencer closer to her, sliding both of her hands down until they rested on Spencer's hips.

Spencer felt her heart began to pound, and was thankful for the music because she was sure if it weren't for that Ashley would have been able to hear the hammering sound. "What?" She tried to pull away, though the effort was half-hearted. "You can't be serious."

Ashley locked eyes with Spencer's piercing blues; her hair freed from the constraints of a baseball cap fell haphazardly across her face. "But I am."

"You make absolutely no sense, first you tell me to leave you alone and you frickin' disappear for nearly two months and now you walk up to me, in a _dark _club and ask me to dance with you as though nothing has happened at all. To tell you the truth, your people skills suck monkey balls!" Ashley's mouth pulled up in a half smile, but she didn't speak. "You can't treat people this way and--" Spencer felt her heart jump to her throat as Ashley's hands lowered further, "how much have you had to drink tonight?"

Ashley's eyes snapped at the question. "Enough."

Spencer searched the face of the brunette, "Ashley, how much is enough?" Ashley's jaw clenched and her eyes darted away. "Ashley," Spencer's voice grew slightly hard as she repeated the question. "How much is enough? You're drunk aren't you?"

Ashley released her grip on Spencer and took a step back. "I am _not _drunk." She spoke the words slowly, concentrating on saying them properly.

"Spencer?" Derrick walked up to her, a red cup in his hand. "I got you Sprite, I hope that's okay?" He shot a questioning look in Ashley's direction, able to tell from the tension that he had just interrupted something. "Is everything cool?"

"Everything's fine." Ashley answered, hooking a thumb through her low-rise slightly baggy boot-cut jeans. "I was just saying hello." Her voice had gone dead. "I'll leave you two alone." She turned and walked away. "I'm just going to get a _drink_ Spencer." She called back over her shoulder. "If that's okay with you."

"What was that?" Derrick watched the dark-haired girl weave her way through the crowd.

"Hold on, okay? I'll be back in a second." Spencer hurried off after Ashley, finally catching up once the she stopped at the bar.

Ashley glanced over as she threw back a shot of some red liquid without even a grimace. "You following me now?" She asked Spencer as she nodded her head at the bartender, requesting another.

"No...I just...what's going on with you? It's like you have two different personalities." Spencer looked down at her hands as she continued to speak. "I want to be your friend, but I never know which Ashley I'm going to get. Will it be funny, charming and considerate Ashley, or will it be the one that snaps at the tiniest things with absolutely no explanation, and then when she doesn't feel like dealing with something she just runs away and hides." Spencer looked up to find Ashley staring at her, the look in her eyes unreadable, her hand clutched around her next shot. "Look, I know that I barely know you, but you won't _let_ me get to know youwhy is that so hard for you?"

"I don't like being hurt." Ashley swallowed the shot. "I'm leaving." She spun away, stalking towards the exit, and slamming through the door.

"Wait!" Spencer raced after Ashley, looking to her left, seeing the brunette stagger down the street. "Ashley!" She heard the door to the club open once more, glancing over her shoulder long enough to see Derrick exit after her. "Where do you think you're going?"

Ashley turned bleary eyes towards the voice, "Home. I'm going home."

"Do you even know what street you're on?"

Ashley walked towards a street sign, leaning drunkenly on the pole as she squinted up trying to read the sign. "Um...I'm on...shit."

"How do I get to your house Ashley?" Spencer walked over, putting a hand on Ashley shoulder, spinning her gently around. Waiting and not getting an answer, only receiving a confused look as Ashley tried to work through the fog of her mind to find the answer Spencer sought. "You know what? You'll just come stay with me tonight, okay?"

"No, I can find my way. I've done it before. I'll be fine." Ashley tried to walk away, but found herself stopped by the viselike hold Spencer had on her.

"You can't even tell me what street you're on and you expect me to believe you can make it home?" Spencer turned to Derrick as he approached. "Think you can give me a lift back to my dorm?"

"Yeah, sure. Hey," he smiled over at Ashley, holding out his free hand. "I'm Derrick." Ashley stared at the offered hand, her eyebrows bunching together as though she were deciding whether she should take it or not, before doubling over and retching all over Derrick's feet. She looked up sheepishly as her back shook with dry heaves.

"Dude," she began.

"No, it's no problem. I think this is God's way of telling me it's stupid to buy shoes that cost over seventy bucks."

**SA**

"Here," Spencer poked her head through the door of her room, trying to see if her roommate was back, breathing a sigh of relief upon discovering the bed empty. _She probably won't be back tonight..._"You can lay down there." Ashley didn't wait for any further invitation, just climbed slowly into the bed, laying down on her side, facing Spencer, her eyes closing. "Ashley?" The browns snapped back open. "How much did you really have to drink tonight?"

Ashley's eyes closed back as though she didn't want to say. "I...I don't know. A lot..."

"Oh." Spencer watched for a moment as Ashley's eyes slid back shut. She walked to the edge of the bed. "You won't be comfortable in those jeans you know." Ashley didn't respond, just unbuttoned the pants, pulling them off, and throwing them from the bed. She sat up groggily, pulling her polo from over her head, tossing it as well, until she wore only her boxers and a sports bra, before collapsing back down.

"Thanks." Ashley mumbled as her breathing slowed down, evening until Spencer knew she were asleep.

"No problem." Spencer said the words though she knew the other girl was already knocked out. _Pajamas...where did I put them? _She quickly shrugged out of her clothes, pulling on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. _Where do I sleep? The floor? _She stared at the unwelcoming carpet. _Yeah, if I want back pain the rest of my life...and my roomie will kill me if I sleep in _her _bed...my bed I guess..._she climbed in, turning out the light on her desk as she pulled the cover up and around both her and Ashley. The dark-haired girl muttered something in her sleep as she threw an arm around Spencer's waist, tucking herself around the blonde's body. _Woah..._Spencer felt her breathing quicken at the contact. _What the hell is going on with me? This is the second time tonight she's got me messed up...but it doesn't mean anything...it doesn't. She just feels...good..._


	5. Help

Ashley came back to consciousness, confused by the soft weight she felt against her chest, something she hadn't felt in over a year. _Avi?_ Her eyes opened a fraction and she found herself staring down at an unruly golden mop of morning bed head. _Dammit...please tell me we didn't do anything..._she opened her eyes completely, staring at the ceiling a moment before taking a deep breath, lifting the blanket that covered them both, and looking beneath. _Praise the keg gods, I'm still clothed...but how the hell do I get up without waking Spencer?_ The blonde's arm was wrapped tightly around Ashley's middle, her leg thrown over the brunette's. Ashley sat up, slowly extricating her upper body from Spencer who chose that very moment to move, driving her knee up between Ashley's thighs, causing her to let out a rush of air in a hiss. _Not fair Spencer, not even fair. _Shaking her head in an effort to clear it of thoughts that were beginning to wander, she pulled the rest of her body loose, then hopped ungracefully to the floor, nearly stumbling into the bookshelf against the wall. _Where the hell are my frickin clothes?_ Her eyes scanned the room, finding her pants in a crumpled heap next to her sneakers she quickly pulled them on, jamming her feet into her shoes. _Shirt...which one did I have on last night? _Ashley spun in a circle, and snatched her polo from the roommate's bed, beginning to pull it over her head. _Looks like I'm getting out of here before Spencer wakes up...good._

"Woah...any reason there's a chick with no shirt on standing in the middle of my room?"

Ashley groaned inwardly, _how could I have forgotten the damned roommate_, as she pulled the shirt the rest of the way down. "Yeah, see...I can explain that..." her voice trailed off, dying in the still morning air as she bit her lower lip in thought. Attempting to come up with some excuse that would warrant her being half naked in the middle of Spencer's room.

Brie stepped further inside, a twinkle in her eyes as she tried, unsuccessfully to hold back a laugh. "Thanks, but I'd rather you _not _explain what it was you worked on little Ms. Carlin last night."

"Worked? What are you...? We didn't..." Ashley could feel the blush creeping up her face, staining it a rosy pink . "No, no, you've got it all wrong."

"Sure, sure you didn't do anything." Brie threw her keys across the room so they landed on her desk and leaned against the wall as she gave the ever darkening brown-eyed girl a knowing look. "That's why you're getting dress and trying to sneak out before," she hitched a thumb in Spencer's direction, "lover girl over there wakes up."

"You can't be serious? You're her roommate; you know we didn't do anything!" Ashley ran a hand through her hair in frustration, while continuing to whisper fiercely to the girl who was determined to make something out of absolutely nothing. _Am I seriously defending Spencer's honor? Oh, this is too much..._"I'm not, well, I mean I am, but _Spencer's not _gay, so obviously, nothing could have happened last night."

"I dunno, this is a pretty homo-fantabulous scene here. You getting dressed," she pointed to Spencer's bed where her leg hung from beneath the covers and though the blonde was dressed, the shorts she wore to bed were so small they gave the illusion of, well...nothing. "Spencer being naked...both of you being girls...you can see where the logical progression of thought is going, right?" She asked with a smirk.

"She is _not_--" Ashley began to yell, then tossed a glance over her shoulder, remembering Spencer was still sleeping, and lowered her voice once more. "She is _not _naked, and did you just say 'homo-fantabulous'? That's not even a word! Are you serious?"

"I'm just calling it like I'm seeing it, and right now, I'm thinking poor old Derrick's heart is gonna break."

"Derrick?" Ashley frowned slightly as she spoke his name.

"You know him?"

"I think...I think I threw up on him last night, but that's beside the point. You," she pointed a finger at Brie, growing more annoyed by the fact that the other girl found the entire situation amusing. "are ridiculous. I think it's time for me to go."

"You're not even gonna leave Spencer a note?" She asked the question innocently, but Ashley didn't miss the mischievous look in her eye. "That's pretty cold."

"Leave her a note for what? It's not like...fine." Ashley marched over to Spencer's desk, jotting down a quick message, slapping the post-it onto the computer screen. "Happy?" She sneered as she walked past Spencer's roommate and out the door, careful not to slam it, even though she wanted to, because that would wake Spencer, and the the only thing she wanted to do right now was go home. _She has got to be the most annoying person I've ever met in my life._

_**SA**_

Spencer awoke with a jerk, feeling around on the bed for Ashley, strangely disappointed at not finding her.

"She left a note." A voice called from the other side of the room. Spencer turned towards the sound, seeing only the top of her roomie's head over a book thick enough to kill someone if they were to be hit with it.

"Oh." She climbed from the bed, seeing something attached to her computer screen. Ashley's note. Reading over it, her eyebrows drew together in a frown. "This is it?" She asked disbelievingly, turning it over to see it maybe something had be scribbled on the back. "This is all she had to say?"

"Why?" The other girl put down the book, drawing her glasses from her face. "Should it have said more?"

"Well, no, but," She flopped down in her chair with a sigh. "I guess I just thought she'd have more to say to me than 'tell Derrick I'll buy him a new pair of shoes.' I cannot believe her. Two month's of no contact and this is all she gives me?" She crumpled the note in her hand, throwing it into the trash. "I swear, one of these days I'm just gonna--"

"Do absolutely nothing." She wiped her glasses placing them back on her face. "You're too nice."

"Yeah...maybe I am."

**SA**

Ashley stood in front of the door, her hand raised to knock when it swung open and she found herself less than an inch away from Spencer. "Oh," she lowered her hand, feeling more than a little foolish. "Hey...how's it goin'?"

"How's it going?" Spencer mocked, "Are you for real?" She walked out into the hall, forcing Ashley to take a step back as she turned to lock the door. "If you'll excuse me, I have some place to be."

"Huh? What's...are you mad at me or something?" She stuck her hands in the pockets of her baggy camo cargo pants, thought better of it and pulled them out, only to then reach up to her head and pull off her ball cap.

"Mad? Noooooo." Spencer shook her head. "I think I've just reached a level of indifference. I don't think I care either way."

"But what did I do?" Ashley spread her hands open, raising her shoulders as she asked. "You can't just be mad at someone for no good reason."

"Let me see," she began ticking off her fingers as she continued speaking. "First, you totally blank on me because I came and listened to your song, yeah, about two months ago, before you, _two_, disappeared off the face of the earth, and ended up, _three_, sleeping in my room, in _my _bed, _with _me and leaving some lame ass note, before you _four, _disappeared once again, for another week."

"See, I can explain all of those things--"

"When? Now?"

"Well no, but--"

Spencer held up a hand, cutting her off. "Nope, I don't wanna hear it, unless you tell me what the hell is your deal I'm just--"

"Come out with me." Ashley spoke the words, stepping closer to Spencer, taking her hand. "I can be a good friend. I swear. I was actually coming to see if you wanted to go bowling with me and some of the guys, but you uh, decided to rip me a new one instead..." She grinned sheepishly at Spencer.

"Going to go about my business and try to find some _normal _people to hang out with, and...wait, what did you say?"

"Come hang out with me, Big Brad and Jon are coming, and I thought you might want to come too."

"I already told you I have something to do."

"Cancel it." Ashley pleaded playfully, tugging Spencer towards the exit. "I'm much more interesting anyway."

"Ashley..."

"You'll have fun."

"I never said I was going!" Spencer protested even as her feet moved, obediently following Ashley.

"I _do _believe you're following me, and like I said, you'll have fun."

"At least tell me where I'm going? Trouble seems to follow you, and I'd like to be prepared."

"Relax." Ashley flashed a winning smile and she put her cap back on, brim backwards. "We're going bowling, nothing ever happens to people who go bowling."

**SA**

"This is so..." Spencer searched for the right word as she looked around the bowling alley. Cringing inwardly at the _N'Sync _song blasting over the speakers. "corny."

"Right," Big Brad squinted at Spencer from the corner of his eye, "this from the girl who had 'oops I did it again' as her screen name."

"You told him?" Spencer screeched indignantly at Ashley.

"Did you think I'd keep something that funny to myself? I'm gonna go get something from the food area...thing." She waved her bowling alley shoes in the air, "Since we've already got the clown shoes."

"Bring me a beer would ya?" Jon called over his shoulder as he sat down at the terminal and began entering their names. Ashley seemed to pick the largest most intimidating looking guys to hang out with. Big Brad looked like he could bench press a full keg, while Jon gave the impression of being able to shred the same keg can with nothing but his teeth and hands. He had a full head of wheat colored hair that refused to listen to any directions of remaining neat and orderly, but he had a kind smile that lit up his dour face when he chose to show it, which happened to be quite often. Pretty intimidating guys, but if anyone really knew them, they'd know they were nothing but giant marshmallows.

"Yeah, man, I got you." Ashley threw a hand in the air as she walked away as further acknowledgment that she had indeed heard Jon's request.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Brad took a step closer to the terminal, peering at the names just as Jon hit the enter button. "Who in the hell is ass douche?" Spencer nearly choked on her tongue as Jon smiled up at Brad, pointed a finger, and mouthed to word 'you'. "This is some bullshit! You're telling me I have to bowl under the name _ass douche_? Dude...you're so dead. I'm telling you, I'm gonna get you back."

"Boys, calm down, I come bearing gifts." Ashley walked up to them, holding a twelve pack in each hand, a soda tucked under her arm. "The soda's for you," she nodded in Spencer's direction. I figured you wouldn't want to drink, and these" she smiled at Jon and Brad, "are for us. It is _so _time to bowl."

In the end, they decided to split up and have Brad play against Jon, while Spencer challenged Ashley. She thought it would be a little easier to win since the brunette was throwing back beers like they were bottles of water. She had to be on her eighth one, but Spencer was having such a good time she didn't really think it mattered how much Ashley decided to drink. She hadn't had so much fun since she started school, and her stomach was getting sore from laughing at the boys for so long. They spent so much time trying to sabotage the other, they never realized how much they were actually sucking at the game. Spencer looked up at the score board, then smiled sweetly back at Ashley. "You do realize," she began, "that if I get these last two pins, if I get this spare, then I win."

"You won't get the spare." Ashley drained the last of her beer, and stood to stretch, her muscle shirt rising over her stomach.

Spencer forced her eyes away, swallowing hard. "You watch, I'm gonna get it."

"Nah, not happening. I'm pretty damned positive that it's not gonna happen."

"You have no faith." Spencer rolled her eyes before turning back around and walking confidently towards the bowling foul line, pulling back her arm to follow through and release the ball when Ashley wrapped her arm around her from behind, placing a hand on her leg with a subtle pressure and moved it slowly around until it rested on Spencer's inner thigh. Her breath caught in her throat and she could feel her heart start to hammer in her chest, as the ball fell from her grasp and rolled harmlessly into the gutter.

"I told you," Ashley whispered in her ear, her mouth so close that Spencer could feel her lips moving as she talked. "that you weren't gonna get that spare." She laughed, squeezing Spencer's leg before releasing her and stepping away. "Maybe you should listen to me next time, huh?"

"Ashley..." Jon spoke her name in a low, warning voice.

"I didn't do aaaanything. Did I Spencer?"

"Ah," she wiped her face as she struggled to collect her thoughts. "No...you, uh...you...you cheated."

"Me?" Ashley feigned innocence. "I did no such thing, I just proved that you weren't gonna make that spare, because you practically swore up and down you would. Anyway, I'm ready for something else." She sat down, removing the goofy looking bowling shoes and pulling back on her black converse. "Where to now?"

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm actually pretty hungry." Brad slapped a hand to his stomach.

"You're always hungry." Ashley rolled her eyes. "I'm going to the bathroom, I"ll be back, and then we can go. Deal?" Everyone nodded their agreement as she began walking away.

"You aight?" Jon sat next to Spencer as she too changed her shoes.

"I-I'm fine," she stammered out, "why wouldn't I be?"

"You just look a little flushed is all...no big. Listen, Ashley can sometimes--"

"Get your fucking hands off me!" Three heads snapped up simultaneously as they all looked towards the sound of the angry voice.

"Dammit!" Jon stood, and began walking quickly towards Ashley as she stood with her hands balled tightly at her waist.

"What's going on?" Spencer couldn't see over the heads of the crowd that had begun to gather.

"Shit...why can't she ever stay out of trouble?" Big Brad raced off to try to reach Ashley.

"Ah, baby, I barely touched you this time." The boy who had obviously pissed off Ashley leered in her direction. Spencer stood behind the angry girl, not exactly sure what to do, but she knew she recognized the guy. His eyes strayed, landing on her. "Oh, oh I see. That's why you helped her?" _Tyler...the boy from the first day of school...with the map..._"So that you could just get in her pants? You're as bad as I am."

"Look, leave Ashley alone." Brad stepped up to Ashley's right, his giant frame dwarfing her, making her seem vulnerable.

Tyler reached out a hand, grabbing a mocha colored lock of hair, ignoring the fact that someone else had even spoken. "We're just talking, no harm in--" Ashley's eyes narrowed as she shoved Tyler violently away from her. His fist came back catching her across the jaw with a resounding crack, her head flew back, and Spencer was sure her neck would likely snap from the force of the blow as she tried to throw herself out at Tyler, fighting to get away from Jon who was trying to hold her back. Shoving off, she grabbed the bar stool to her left, and brought it down over the boy's head, surprised by the force behind the action, and even more surprised by the deep sense of satisfaction she felt at watching him crumble to the ground, holding the bleeding gash on the back of his head.

"I don't think she wants to talk." Spencer threw the stool to the side.

"Ashley, I swear we can't take you anywhere. We've gotta get the hell out of here." Brad looked over his shoulder, being the only one tall enough to see over everyone. "The damned rent-a-cop is coming over here, and I for one, am in no mood to spend the night in jail."

"Dude, neither am I." Jon grabbed Spencer's hand and took off running. Ashley didn't speak. She simply followed the others from the bowling alley, a somewhat stunned expression on her face.

**SA**

"You want to tell me what's going on, now?" Spencer was sitting on the couch in Ashley's massive living room. They had dropped Jon and Brad off at a _Taco Bell _close enough to campus so that the two would be able to walk back safely, but Spencer had refused to leave Ashley alone, that and the fact that if she went home, Ashley would have to drive back to her place alone _after_ she had been drinking. _I'm only being the designated driver_... is what she told herself in an attempt to make it seem not so out of the ordinary to be going home with Ashley. She had been absolutely shocked by the immense size of the home her counterpart resided in. The lawn was big enough that she, her two brothers, and every kid from their old neighborhood in Ohio would have been able to play several games of kickball, or soccer, at the same time. Ashley had told her to close her mouth, that she was catching flies as she had sat in the car staring, but now the other girl had showered, and come back to sit with Spencer, the wet strands of her hair falling over her shoulder, dampening a spot on her tank top, her legs splayed out in front of her as she pulled on a loose strand attached to her boxers.

"Yeah...I will...maybe. I dunno. Hold on, lemme get something." She stood abruptly, and walked into the kitchen. Spencer could hear the opening and closing of cabinets as Ashley rummaged around. She emerged around the corner, the look in her eyes venomous as she clutched an empty bottle in her hand. "Where. Did you. Put. My vodka." She pronounced each word slowly, the anger in her face melting into what she said.

Spencer had gone into the kitchen while waiting for Ashley to get out of the shower, looking for...well, she didn't know what she was looking for...but she hadn't found anything. At all. The cabinets and refrigerator were bare. There were a few cans of vegetables, and those had gathered dust, letting Spencer know that they were rarely messed with, but she had found bottle upon bottle of alcohol. "I..." she hesitated. "I poured it out."

"You what? What the _fuck _gives you the right to come into my house and throw away my shit? I need--" She swallowed, as though she were trying to hold back her anger. "I don't need...I _want_ my stuff back, but _you_ threw it all away!"

"I think you had it right the first time." Spencer spoke quietly. "I think you really need the alcohol, don't you?"

"I don't _need _anything." The words came between clenched teeth, and Spencer could see her grinding her jaw, saw her hands tighten on the bottle until her knuckles turned white. "I don't need anyone. I just wanted to have a _drink _but you had to--" the bottle shattered, spilling its fragmented pieces to the floor along with Ashley's blood as it sliced open her palm. "Fuck!"

"Let me help." Spencer was off the couch before she realized it, cradling Ashley's bleeding hand in her own.

"Dammit, I don't need any help!" She tried to pull her hand away, but Spencer held it fast.

"Ashley." She spoke the name with quiet command, waiting for the auburn haired girl to look at her, waited for the stormy browns to make contact with the peaceful blues. "Let me help."


	6. Unraveled

Ashley frowned down at her hand with a grimace, holding it steady over the bowl of water Spencer had been using to clean and disinfect it. Everytime the blonde wiped her hand, the water turned a darker shade of pink. It had taken nearly ten minutes to get the flow of blood to stop completely, and another ten for Spencer to remove the multiple shards of glass. "Be careful!" Ashley hissed, forcing herself to keep her hand steady.

"Sorry..." Spencer held up the bottle of rubbing alcohol that Ashley had supplied, "is this all you have?" Ashley nodded. "I just didn't want it to hurt you anymore, and this is going to sting...a lot."

Ashley nodded mutely, staring at the tender flesh around the wounds of her hand, watching as if from another place as Spencer tipped the bottle, pouring the clear liquid over the cuts, causing it to burn like wildfire as it worked to disinfect the open places. She hissed, gritting her teeth against the pain. _It's my own damned fault_. Her uninjured hand balled into a fist so tight that she could feel her fingernails biting into her palm. _I'm such a wuss_. She was beginning to wonder when the waterfall would end when it suddenly stopped, and she felt a cool wind caressing her skin, removing the sting of the liquid fire. She pulled her eyes from the table to see Spencer bent over her hand, closer this time, blowing a steady stream of air across the surface of her hand, taking away the pain. "You're good at that..."

"Good at what?" Spencer looked up momentarily, confused by the comment, before turning her attention back to her task. Gently patting the hand dry, spreading on some antibacterial cream, and wrapping it lightly in gauze.

_Helping me with my pain_..."Nothing." Ashley didn't say what was really on her mind, for fear of...well, she wasn't sure what she was afraid of; she only knew that she was.

Spencer was still holding the newly bandaged hand, when she placed a small kiss on Ashley's palm. She blushed slightly, "My mom always used to do that when I got hurt...said it would make it feel better." She averted her eyes.

Ashley swallowed hard, "It did...thank you."

"Do you wanna talk about..." Spencer hesitated, taking in the surrounding. Looking at the murky bowl that sat before her, the bloodied shards of glass that lay on an equally bloody towel, and decided this wasn't the best place to hold a conversation. "C'mon." She stood, holding Ashley's forearm, and tugging her into the living room, sitting on the couch and pulling her down next to her. "So..." Spencer sought a way to begin the conversation. _How do you just ask someone to trust you enough to tell you something that's obviously destroyed a part of them as much as whatever it is Ashley is dealing with, has...?_ "Uh...nice house?" She stated, wanting to roll her eyes at her own lameness.

"Yeah," Ashley ran her fingers through her hair, using her good hand, "it's alright, my parents gave it to me."

"Your parents gave you a _house_?" Spencer asked in surprise. _Wrong word, this isn't a house, it's damned near a mansion._

"I mean, they didn't walk up to me one day and go, 'Ashley, here's the deed to the house', but...it was in their will so...I got it. Not that I wanted it. It's hard living in a house, or having money that you know you only have because your parents are dead...but then I feel bad sometimes, because we weren't really close but..." She ran a hand down her face, "...I still feel bad. I don't know why, but I just do." She felt Spencer's comforting hand on her shoulder and tried to shrug it off.

"Ashley, I'm sorry..."

"Don't be, like I said, we weren't close."

"They were still your parent's though...I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost mine."

"Eh...you wouldn't do what I did, what led me," She pulled her legs up, folding her knees beneath her chin.

Spencer watched her for a moment, thinking, when she noticed that the boxers covering Ashley's thighs had risen an inch or two, exposing a multitude of faded scars, and some cuts that had even yet to heal, the angry red welts standing up in stark relief against her tanned skin. Spencer reached out a hand, drawing a shaky finger down one of the healed cuts, surprised at the savagery with which they were done. Ashley jumped at the contact, and turned her head away, afraid to meet Spencer's eyes. Afraid of what she would see swirling in their blue depths. Spencer's hand rested on her leg, covering the cuts. "Ashley," she hesitated, unsure of what she should say, unsure of what to ask. "W-what makes...no, what has you hurting so badly?" She reached up, turning Ashley's head, making her look her in the eye, surprised to see the golden browns that stared back at her, swimming in a pool of unshed tears. Surprised to see this from the girl who had done everything in front of her but show any emotion that could possibly be mistaken for weakness. "Ashley...what's wrong?" The other girl didn't answer, but she didn't bother to wipe away the tears that coursed their way down face, she didn't bother to hide the shaking of her body, but even in this, she refused to reach out for comfort. Spencer gave it to her anyway, pulling her against her body, rocking her gently, until the shaking subsided.

"I'm sorry." Ashley sat up, sitting stiffly on the couch, staring blankly ahead. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?"

"She spared a glance at Spencer from the corner of her eye, "because I would do something like that to myself...God...I need a drink."

"No," Spencer ran her fingers through Ashley's hair, "I don't think you're crazy, and you don't need a drink...I think you need a friend, someone you could talk to."

Ashley wiped her nose roughly on the back of her uninjured hand. "No, I don't need to talk about anything. I'm fine. Thanks for fixing my hand and--" she made a move to stand, but was restrained by Spencer's grip.

"Ashley, no." Spencer held Ashley captive through her eyes. "Tell me...why are you hurting yourself? And I don't just mean the cuts on your leg, you do it in other ways too. You drink like you've got a back-up liver, you try to act tough like you don't need anyone, and push people away, even now, when you clearly do. Just tell me why."

"Because I feel disgusting," Ashley whispered the words, pulling her legs back up once again, burying her face in her arms. "I feel disgusting all the time...because of what he did...I swear Spencer, I told him no, I tried so hard..." her hands balled into fist and she began pounding them against the sides of her thighs, her voice choked and muffled as she continued speaking. "He wouldn't listen to me...he just wouldn't listen. I told him it hurt. I screamed and yelled, but he just wouldn't stop...he just kept on going." She lifted her head, turning to face Spencer with a look of such pain the blonde felt her heart shatter and wondered if she would ever find a way to mend the broken pieces. "Spencer I promise I fought him...I fought as hard as I could..." her words were quickly becoming unintelligible as she began to break down, "...but I-I just wasn't s-strong enough..."

"Ashley..." Spencer had no words. Nothing would come to mind. How do you repair something that had been torn asunder in such a brutally violent way. Ashley sat on the couch, balled up, as though she were trying to hold herself together, to keep from flying apart. "...it's not your fault. What happened to you...it wasn't your fault." Spencer, not knowing what to do, edged closer to Ashley's form, putting an arm around the shuddering body, placing her head on the brunette's shoulder, at a loss about how to comfort her. _It's all making so much sense now...why she was so indifferent, angry all of the time...everything..._her train of thought broke off as Ashley spun and threw her arms around her neck, burying her face in Spencer's shoulder. Her hand rotated in soothing circles around Ashley's back, "You're strong, Ash. A lot stronger than you're giving yourself credit for right now." She hugged Ashley closer, needing the physical contact just as much as the other girl at that moment.

"Spencer?" Ashley didn't lift her head as she talked, but she lowered her arms to the blonde's waist, holding her tighter.

"Yeah, Ash?"

"I-I'm going to need a friend...for awhile, if you'll just bear with me while--"

"Done." Spencer cut her off, not needing to hear whatever it was the other girl needed, just knowing that she would give whatever she could for her. For her friend.

Ashley pulled back, searching Spencer's face as she brought up her good had to rest against her face, cupping it gently. A small, hesitant smile pulled at the corners of her mouth, she moved to lay her head back down, whispering in Spencer's ear before she did so, "Be patient with me...I'm not ready for..." she stopped, then began again, "thank you."

Spencer was confused by the first two statements, but thought nothing else of it. _Ashley must be emotionally drained_. "You're welcome..."


	7. Lost

Ashley rolled onto her side, trying to find a more comfortable spot, annoyed that she had once again fallen asleep on the couch. _I've got to get my life together…_she flexed her hand, immediately stopping as a sharp shooting pain coursed its way from her palm, straight to her elbow, an uncontrolled bolt of lightning. "Son of a bitch!"

"You okay?" Spencer's voice floated from across the room where she'd been leaning against the door frame, watching the brunette sleep. The sun had barely risen, casting the room in an ethereal golden glow. It had been a rough night, trying to calm her friend down, trying to sort out her feelings, just trying to figure out if there were any feelings that needed to be _sorted_. _I wish I knew why she makes me feel this way…all I did was hold her last night, and now…_

"Does it _look _like I'm okay?" Ashley snapped, not meaning to lash out at Spencer, inwardly grimacing as she did so. "Sorry…"

Spencer waved away the apology, pushing herself away from the wall, "You know," she began as she plopped down next to Ashley, "I kind of figured you weren't exactly a morning person."

"Hmph, what gave it away?" A wry grin spread across her face, "My wonderfully sunny disposition?"

"Nope," Spencer returned the grin, tapping Ashley on the forehead, "I think it would have to be that cute little wrinkle you've got right there, from frowning since your eyes first opened."

"Cute, huh?" Her eyebrow rose, as she pretended not to notice the flush that crept its way up Spencer's neck.

"I meant…what I was trying to…ah," Spencer stood abruptly, "I think I'm going to go, _but_," she pointed towards the kitchen, "I was up early this morning so I went out and got some stuff, made you breakfast…" _Technically I _was _up early…she doesn't have to know that I didn't sleep last night…that I stayed awake so I could soak up every minute with her, before she freaks out, and runs away from me again…_

"You made me breakfast?" The surprise in the brunette's voice was evident. "You don't have to go, you know, you _could _stay and eat with me…if you wanted."

_I'd love to_, "I can't, really…sorry." She pulled Ashley from the couch, wrapping her arms around the other girl in a hug, pulling away, making her mistake as her eyes locked onto the golden browns in front of her. She swallowed back a gasp as she felt her breath catch in her throat, hoping Ashley couldn't feel her heart hammering in her chest as it threatened to leap straight from her body.

"I dunno," Ashley spoke in a whisper, afraid that if she spoke too loudly it would break whatever spell was cast over the girl in her arms, "you should stick around a little longer." She waved her injured hand in the air, "I seem to remember you being very skilled at taking care of me."

_She can't seriously be flirting with me…after last night? _Spencer took a step back, averting her gaze. _I barely know you, but I already know _who _you are…_"Ash," the name flowed from her lips as if she had always spoken Ashley's name that way, "it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes." She ran a hand down the side of Ashley's arm, "You don't always have to try to throw people off, at least not me…not anymore." She leaned in, placing a soft kiss against Ashley's cheek, whispering into her ear, "And you don't have to hurt yourself anymore," Ashley began to protest, but was silenced by a finger placed over her lips. "I know why you did it. You were hurting. You just wanted help, and that was your way of yelling for it, but you don't have to scream anymore. I hear you now, okay?" A soft smile etched its way across Spencer's face, "Call me if you need anything." And she left. Leaving a stunned Ashley standing in the middle of the living room, more confused than she ever remembered being in her life.

**SA**

_Just grow some balls and knock on the damned door!_ Ashley had been pacing outside of Spencer's room for the past thirty minutes trying to work up the nerve to demand an answer to whatever it was that had happened that morning. _Something's changed…she's not the same as she was before._ She pulled her cap from her head, bending the brim, a nervous habit, before placing it back onto her head, brim backwards. _Aight, I've got this. It's just a girl, you've dated plenty of them, she's no different. Knock and she will answer. Seek, and I'd better damned well find…_taking a deep breath, she let her fist fall against the wood, paused, and hearing no response raised it again, nearly knocking on Spencer's roommate's face.

"Woah, chill out!" Brie took a quick step back, narrowly avoiding a trip to the hospital. "One, where's the fire, and _two, _if you broke my nose, would you have fixed it, because you _know _I'm broke. My pockets ain't even got lint."

Ashley wasn't in the mood to joke around, pinching the bridge of her nose as she spoke, "Listen, just tell me if Spencer's around."

"I figured you'd show up today." She crossed her arms, leaning against the metal doorframe.

"What? Did Spencer say anything?" Ashley's face had transformed into one of worry, as she tried to think of anything she could have done that may have made Brie say that.

"No, she didn't really say anything, _per se_, but she was a little skittish this morning." She pushed her glassed up her face. "Basically being really shady, calling around asking about sports' practices and stuff."

"What does that have to do with _me_?"

"See, I'm not exactly sure, but whenever it has something to do with you, she gets this really weird look on her face, all determined and whatnot."

Ashley held back a sigh, "You still haven't told me if you know where she is!"

"Right, about that," Brie brought her hand up, rubbing her chin as though deep in thought, "she got in contact with Derek, you know that guy you--"

"I _know _what happened to his shoes."

"Yeah, anyway, talked to him, found out about baseball practice, then she just took off. Didn't say shit to me, just left the room."

Ashley began pacing as she tried to place the pieces of the puzzle together, annoyed that they made no sense. _What the hell would Spencer want with…oh, shit!_ She knew, "You let her go?" The words shot from her mouth with more force behind them than she intended.

"Uh, yes, I'm not exactly her mother. Do I _look _like Mrs. Carlin to you?"

Ashley didn't even bother responding, just spun on her heel, racing from the dorm to her car, praying that she would make it before Spencer did something stupid.

**SA**

Ashley spun into the parking lot, the backend of her silver BMW spitting out gravel, barely putting the car into park before she leapt from the driver's side, sprinting across the lot. The sun beat down relentlessly, and though she'd only been out of the air conditioning for a few seconds she could already feel her skin cooking under its intense rays. Her eyes scanned the field, spotting the boys practicing, looking a little further left she caught sight of Spencer as she pulled a wooden bat from the rack. _She wouldn't…_Her feet began moving of their own accord, and she could feel her muscles begin the slow burn that always coursed through her body whenever she ran, but even as she ate up the distance between herself and the blonde, she knew she wouldn't make it in time…

**SA**

"Tyler?" Spencer spoke the name sweetly, stepping further onto the baseball diamond, the bat in her hand hanging limply at her side.

"Minute, Coach," Tyler jogged over to Spencer, slowing before he reached her, a lecherous grin making itself known on his face. "Well, well, looks like you just couldn't stay away." He glanced behind her, "And you even came without your little bodyguard this time."

"Yeah," her tone of voice had taken on an edge, but Tyler didn't notice. "She just couldn't make it, but she sends her best. I just have one, tiny question for you."

"I'll answer anything you want." The grin on his face grew wider.

"When they ask you to stop…do you?"

He smirked, slamming his hand into his mitt, "Listen, when I start on you," he winked, and Spencer felt she might vomit, "you're not gonna want me to stop."

"Good," Spencer took a step closer, "because when _I _start, I don't care if you want to stop, I don't think I'm gonna be able to do that…not after what you did."

Tyler's brow wrinkled in confusion, "What are you--?"

He never got a chance to finish his question, as Spencer brought up the bat, swinging with all the force she could muster against his knee, gaining a sick satisfaction as he crumpled to the ground, a scream tearing its way from his throat.

"Is that how she sounded?" She brought the bat down again, cracking it against his elbow, bringing her foot back, slamming it into his chin, a feral, protectively dark laugh bubbling up from her chest as she watched his head snap back. "Want me to stop Tyler? Did _you _stop? _Did you_?" She raised the bat again, preparing to bring it down onto his back when the scene before her exploded in a rush of bodies as a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around her, pinning her own arms to her side, another group standing protectively in front of the downed Tyler. "Let me go!" She snarled out in a voice she barely recognized. "Fucking let me go!" She struggled violently to get free, the rage she felt rampaging through her system, contorting her every emotion.

"You stupid little bitch!" Tyler had staggered to his feet, leaning heavily on one of his teammates.

"Let him go!" Spencer twisted in the iron grip that held her helpless, her hair whipping about as though she were a hurricane and all those around her the calm of the storm.

"Spencer!" Ashley tore through the press of bodies, trying to reach Spencer, knowing she needed to calm her down before she got herself hurt.

"I said put me the _fuck _down, he deserves it!" She was growing increasingly angry at her own helpless state. "He deserves even more than this!"

"Spencer, stop!" The blonde turned towards the voice, still struggling to get free, her eyes wild, her face a contorted mask of fury. "Hey, hey," Ashley murmured the words, stepping closer, placing her hands on either side of Spencer's face, forcing her to look her in the eye. "Baby, stop…" The hatred in Spencer's eyes melted instantly away, replaced by their usual gentleness.

"Ash?" Her voice sounded small. "What are you…?"

"Let her go." Ashley directed the command to the muscled boy who held Spencer in a vise grip. He hesitated a second, before slowly releasing her, taking a step back.

"What in the _hell _is going on here?" The coach burst into the middle, looking first from Spencer and Ashley, to Tyler, and back again.

"What's going on, is that I'm going to kill that little bitch," Tyler's turned his head, spitting out blood, "but before I do that, I'm pressing charges!"

Ashley whirled around, stalking over to Tyler, grabbing his jersey and pulling him down to her level. "I dare you. I fucking dare you to call the police." Her eyes narrowed dangerously, her words dripping with venomous intent, "And I swear to God I will shred any future you have."

His eyes widened slightly at her words, before he attempted a show of bravado. "You wouldn't do that," a snarl curled his upper lip, "because then everyone would know."

"If you think I even care about that anymore, she must have seriously cracked open your skull. You press charges against her, and I'm going to the school paper, I'm talking to every single MLB team that was looking as signing your sorry ass. How long do you think it would take before it appeared on ESPN?" Her voice lowered dangerously. "How long before the future star of baseball is labeled a rapist and blacklisted? When I'm through, you'll be lucky to get a job serving fast food." She pushed him away, "Don't fuck with me. I'm _not _in the mood." Ashley grabbed Spencer's hand, pulling her along behind, leaving Tyler to explain what had just occurred, but knowing the police wouldn't be involved. He had seen she was serious. She meant every word she had just said. "C'mon Spence," she opened the passenger door, waiting for the blonde to climb inside before shutting the door, walking around to her side and climbing in, letting her head fall against the steering wheel as soon as she was seated.

"Ashley?"

She sat up, looking at Spencer, her heart nearly breaking at how lost she seemed.

"I didn't mean too…I was just so angry about what he did to you…I don't even know when I got so mad…

"It's okay." _Is it okay? _Ashley reached over, grabbing Spencer's hand, giving it a squeeze. "Shit happens, you know?"

"No…I just lost control." She turned a tear-stained face towards Ashley. "I lost control of my emotions, and I can't…I can't lose control Ash. I just can't…"

"Spencer…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say. This wasn't her area of expertise. _Shit. _She turned on the car, backing out of the parking lot, not knowing where she was headed. _Two lost people never find their way…_


	8. Let Me Show You

"Ashley," Spencer peered out the window as the car twisted its way up the blunt cliff walls overlooking the ocean, "where are we going?"

"You'll see; it's a good thing we're not dating, you know," she continued jokingly, grabbing a pair of dark sunglasses and placing them on her face, "you have almost _no _patience."

Spencer didn't respond, but hoped that Ashley couldn't see how heated her face became at the comment. _Would she even date me? Not that it matters, just because she's a tomboy doesn't mean that she's…_she couldn't bring herself to finish the thought because she knew that at some point she'd have to admit that the feelings she'd recently developed for the somewhat stoic brunette would never be returned. They couldn't be…

Ashley turned off onto a gravel path that would have been hidden away from all but those who knew where to look. She felt herself relax almost instantly, as the massive house overlooking the sea stood silently embedded in the rocky bluffs, came into view, offering a sense of serenity that she rarely felt. _I hope this place can help calm her like it does me…I don't know where else to take her._ "We're here." Ashley commented, speaking the obvious as she pulled the key from the ignition.

Spencer's mouth dropped as she openly gawked at the house. "Ash, this house is made of _glass_."

"Yeah, I know." She responded climbing from the car and walking towards the entrance, slowing her pace to wait for Spencer. "Mom and Dad had it built this way, but there's a switch and whatnot, so I can darken the windows so people can't see inside." She unlocked the door stepping across the mantle. "Not that many people come by here anyway." Ashley grabbed Spencer's hand, leading her to the window facing the ocean, sliding open the door, and stepping out onto the porch. "This is where I come sometimes…to get away. It's that or…"

"Or what?" Spencer turned to face her friend, pulling the glasses from Ashley's face so that she were clearly able to see her eyes, frightened by the defeated look they held, no matter how hard the brunette tried to hide it. "You wouldn't…Ashley…" She tightened her grip on the hand in her grasp, suddenly afraid to let go.

"I've thought about it but…anyway," Ashley turned away, releasing Spencer's hand, "I brought you here because I thought that maybe after what happened this morning you might need a break too. So you could clear your head or whatever. You've got free reign of the house, but I'm gonna go mess around in the studio." She began to walk away, then called softly over her shoulder, "If you wanna come listen…you can…"

Spencer stood rooted to the spot for a moment, thinking back to how angry Ashley had gotten the one time she'd heard her singing at the coffee shop, knowing how much trust the scarred girl was placing in her by inviting her to listen in on something that was no doubt a way she'd found to heal herself, and probably one of the things that had kept her alive after…_after that bastard Tyler put his hands on her. _"If you really don't mind, I'd like to listen."

She followed Ashley into the studio, sliding to the floor as the brunette sat behind a grand piano that took up most of the room. _How could anyone hurt her…I don't understand…_Her eyes followed Ashley as she pulled a notebook from the top of the piano, and she felt an irresistible urge to run her fingers over the frown line that now creased the brunette's face as she re-read something she must have written earlier, scratching out a few lines, and penning new ones to replace the old. She didn't say anything as she laid her fingers against the cool ivory of the keys, looking up her eyes locked on Spencer's, a crooked half-smile appearing on her face before quickly disappearing, as her fingers began to move, filling the empty room with sound.

"I've been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know the less I understand and all the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again. I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it's about…forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore…" She suddenly stopped playing, lowering her head even though words still lay on the page, she couldn't bring herself to continue. "I-I wrote that for Avi…but you shouldn't have to hear it…I don't think…" She pulled her cap from her head, twisting it in her hands as she fought to remain in control of the raging emotions the lyrics brought up

Spencer stood from her seated position, walking quickly towards her friend. "It's okay, for the song to upset you. What happened to you was…you just didn't deserve it."

"You don't understand." Ashley's voice grew hard, as the only emotion she felt she could use when confronted by pain, anger, boiled to the surface. "Avi was my…she was my girlfriend," _God, please don't let her freak out. _She turned her head, avoiding Spencer's gaze, "but she said I changed after what happened." A short derisive laugh escaped her lips, "who the fuck _wouldn't _change? She probably just didn't want me anymore…damaged goods."

"Is that really how you see yourself?" Spencer's heart nearly broke as she thought about how alone Ashley must have felt when everyone she had depended on abandoned her.

"Isn't that how you see me?"

"Ashley I don't…" she raised a shaky hand, placing it against Ashley's cheek, feeling her heart begin to pound irrationally as the brunette unconsciously leaned into the touch. She pulled the other girl up, interlocking her fingers behind her neck, forcing the golden brown eyes to meet her own, trying to ignore the sensation of time coming to a stop, knowing that such a thing wasn't possible, but feeling as if it had happened even though every logical part of her brain screamed that it couldn't have. "I-I think that Avi was a fool to let you go. I wouldn't have left you…"

"Spencer…" _She doesn't know what she's saying…she can't. It doesn't mean the same thing to her. If she doesn't let me go, I might…_"I don't want you to…you don't have to…"

"It's okay." Spencer pulled Ashley's head down, her lips brushing ever so slightly over the brunette's as she continued to speak, feeling a fire ignite within her that could only be quenched by one thing. One person. "Let me show you how to love again…"

**---The Song Ashley sings is the _Heart of the Matter_. India Arie's version and I do not own it.**


	9. Unwilling

***For Skyb13 – because they asked ******

_Oh God…what in the _hell_ am I doing_? Ashley glanced down at the sleeping form curled up in her arms, trying without fail, to push her from her heart, to get that smile removed from her heart, trying to still the rapid beating whenever she thought of those magnetic blue eyes locked on hers. _I'm not ready for this_…and she hadn't been. Though parts of her ached to allow Spencer to love her, practically begged her to remove every wall she had painstakingly erected, something just wouldn't let her…some part of her that still feared the crushing pain that came with trusting others, and Ashley was slow to forgive and even more slow to forget. She just wasn't sure she would have it in her to hate Spencer if it came to that. If something happened between them, she wondered if she could ever bring herself to turn on her, to shut and bar her from her being, and closed her eyes at the terrifying truth that she wouldn't be able to do such a thing. It had felt so good…so right, when Spencer's lips had met hers, soft and hesitant at first, then with a more crushing force, their breath becoming ragged, limbs becoming entangled in the other, but when she'd felt Spencer's hand on the hem of her shirt, something in her froze, and she had stopped. A sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, tears beginning to sting the corners of her eyes, and had turned her head in shame. She had been so awash in self-pity she almost didn't feel the soft hand raise up and cup her cheek, turning her back, where she felt she would drown in the swirling blue of Spencer's gaze, drawing in a sharp breath when she saw a quiet understanding reflected back at her, instead on the disgusted condemnation she had expected.

"It's alright," she had whispered, and the words had flowed over Ashley like warm honey, soothing the ragged wounds that were still not ready to be healed, but for the moment, were silenced. The dark-haired girl had forced herself to ignore the hammering in her chest, and forced a small smile on her face in response, not trusting herself to speak, and had simply nodded.

_This is not okay, so not okay…_she had been trying unsuccessfully to squelch the panic, that had been clawing its way to the surface since they had lain down to sleep, but found she couldn't. _I'm not made for this_..._I'm just not_. Ashley looked down once more at the sleeping woman in her arms, feeling her heart seize for a moment, before slowly getting up from the bed, trying to ignore the cold sting of the air, and slipped into her clothes, jamming her feet into her Chucks. _I…I just need some air_…one more glance to the bed, where Spencer clutched the empty bedspread where she had just been, and she turned and headed from the room, out the house, and with the squealing of tires, down the winding driveway.

***

"Ashley," Spencer jerked awake, her eyes sleepily scanning the room, noting the faint rays of sunlight that had begun to filter in through the drawn shades. _What time is it…_her feet were on the floor and she found herself padding towards the bedroom door almost without realizing it, "Ashley?" She called out again, waiting to hear the slightly husky voice answer, and felt her brow crease in concern when no response came. _Where…_she fell heavily onto the couch, drawing her legs up, and wrapping her arms around her knees…she knew she should be worried, but just couldn't stop the small smile that stretched its way across her face as her thoughts turned to the previous evening. She wasn't exactly sure what to make of everything, but when they had kissed, when she had felt the soft pressure of the older girl's lips on hers she suddenly knew why she had been unable to get those soul searing brown eyes out of her mind. It was as if she had spent the better part of the school year holding her breath, for someone to finally tell her it was okay to breathe, and she had done it. Sucking in a breath so deep all she smelled was the soft cinnamon and lavender of Ashley's shampoo, and part of her had melted into something that felt altogether too natural. _Mom's gonna pitch a bitch tent…_but even that sobering thought couldn't stop the smile that was now threatening to break out into a full fledged grin, and she felt a soft laugh bubble up from within her. _God, what is going on with me_, she pondered the question briefly before deciding she didn't care, and just threw herself back on the couch, reveling in the quiet bliss of the moment. She wasn't quit sure where her feelings would lead her, if they led her anywhere, but she had always been one to go with the flow, to just let the origami pieces of her life unfold as they saw fit…and if the path eventually led her to Ashley, well, and now she did grin, that would be just fine. There were worse places she could be.

"You're still here?" The voice sounded in the living room, clear, cold and distant, lacking any of the warmth it had held the previous evening.

Spencer looked up, the smile on her face faltering slightly and she took in the slightly disheveled appearance of her friend, her eyes instantly drawn to the hand that had been bandaged but once again dripped blood freely, "Ashley," she walked over, taking the damaged hand in her own, sucking in a sharp breath as she noticed the ragged knuckles, swollen from abuse and bleeding much more than the glass scarred palm she had wrapped up earlier, "what happened?" She looked up, and took an involuntary step back at the icy coldness that had fallen over the brunette's face, as though she had erected an impenetrable wall between the two of them, and felt the hand snatched back from her grasp.

"Why are you still here?" Ashley's face hardened, her jaw clenched as she waited on an answer, swaying slightly on her feet before regaining her balance. She brought a bottle filled with a murky brown liquid to her lips, taking a long swallow before leveling her angry gaze back on Spencer, the burning sensation it released once it hit her stomach calming her in a way she knew nothing else could.

"You're drunk," it wasn't a question, just a statement of unfortunate truth.

"And your point would be?" Ashley raised the bottle again and had to fight to keep from exploding in an unstoppable rage as it was knocked from her hand, and sent spiraling towards the floor where it shattered into glittering, mockingly useless, pieces, and lost the battle. A bellow of outrage erupting from her throat as she twisted her hands into the front of Spencer's shirt, snatching the blonder closer, her face twisted with anger, "Do you have _any_ idea what you just did?" She snarled, the words rushing from her with a slightly animalistic fury.

Spencer could almost feel her heart thrumming in her throat, confused by the sudden change, and fought down a steadily rising fear that almost took her legs from beneath her, and with a shuddering breath matched Ashley's level gaze, "Yes," she responded evenly, "keeping you from acting like some deranged fool."

Mocha eyes narrowed, and she looked as if she were about to speak again, but shoved Spencer roughly away from her, stalking towards the kitchen, where she grabbed her keys from the counter. She spun back around viciously as she felt a small hand cover her own.

"You're in no condition to drive right now, Ashley?" Misty blue eyes met hers silently, pleading with her to stay, terrified of what would happen if the other girl were to get behind the wheel of a car, "If you don't care about what happens to you…at least think of the people you could accidentally hurt…"

"Back. Off." The brown eyes flashed, sharp and dangerous, no hint of the woman who usually hid behind them visible in the depths, the part of her that hurt, that cried out for comfort was locked away, conveniently ignored by the drunken anger that had claimed her.

"Please?" She pulled gently, trying to pry the keys from the stone grasp, and was shocked to find herself suddenly on the floor, holding her cheek as it began to slowly throb from where Ashley's fist had connected with her jaw, tears beginning to pool in her eyes, and make their way down her face, burning almost like fire as they did.

"I told you to _back. Off._" Ashley stood over her, chest heaving, the air tearing itself from her lungs with savage gasps. She stared down at the person cowering at her feet, feeling her muscles tensing as she looked them over, her eyes finally coming to rest on the other's face, and in that instant as she took in the cold fear that formed unchecked in their expression, felt the anger snap, brittle and dry. "Oh…God…" she brought her hands up, pained disbelief plainly evident as she watched them shake, wanting nothing more than to take the blow back. Knowing that no apology could make up for what she had just done. There weren't enough 'I'm sorry's' in the world…there was no way she could beg for forgiveness for this…and in that single moment, as she stood watching Spencer look up with her with an unreadable expression etched into her face, she felt more helpless than she ever had. The anger had dissipated; leaving her drained of any energy and she wanted nothing more than to sink into some hole in the floor. To fall into the dark depression that often claimed her far too easily, but couldn't bring herself to stay, couldn't face the shame of what she had just done, and instead turned almost mechanically towards the front door and disappeared into the coming sunrise.

***

"Don't you think you've had enough?" The bartender lifted his shoulders in question.

"I'll know when I've had enough," the words came out tired, as though the speaker didn't have the will to put any fight behind them, and simply pushed the now empty shot glass forward, waiting on it to be filled, not even looking up as he did so, pulling it back as soon as he was done. She stared down at her hands, one now crusted over with dried blood, the wounds cracking open with savage efficiency anytime she flexed her fingers, bringing with them a sharp pain that had, for the moment, subsided into a dull ache. _Pathetic…_she didn't know how long she had been sitting in the darkened bar, but it was long enough to put her in a drunken tailspin, and she fought to keep from loosing everything she had thrown back when she moved her head too quickly. The room spun, pulling her with it in its dance of vertigo as she placed her head in her hands, and for the first time since she could remember, felt the urge to drink seep from her like air from a punctured balloon. A hazy film lay over the bar, the cigarette smoke from so many customers giving the room an almost eerie glow, the jukebox music filtering in through her drunken consciousness and she felt herself being pulled annoyingly into the lyrics:

_*I am at ease  
In the arms of a woman  
Although now, most of my days are spent alone  
Thousand miles from the place I was born  
But when she wakes me, she takes me back home  
Now most days, I spend, like a child  
Who's afraid, of ghosts in the night  
I know there ain't nothing out there  
I'm still afraid to turn on the light…_

"Hey," a voice came from the darkness to her right, rough with years of smoking, "change the station. How the hell am I supposed to get a good poker game going with this nonsense on the radio?"

"Don't," Ashley looked up as the bartender moved to do as the man asked, "I'm listening to this." He shook his head, making to ignore her and felt his wrist being held in an iron-clad grip, "What part of that didn't you understand?" Her eyes narrowed and she felt the slow current of adrenaline begin to course its way through her body, the liquid courage she felt pushing her to throw caution to the wind as she slammed his hand down on the wooden bar top. "Leave it."

"You're messing with dangerous fire, little girl," she felt the warm breath blow across her ear, leaving the smell of stale beer in its wake as she turned to meet the hooded eyes of a man nearly twice her size and triple her weight, shaggy hair hung past his shoulders as he looked her over, a lecherous grin beginning to form as he took her in, placing a rough hand on her shoulder, "Why don't you just play nice?" And left no guessing as to what his idea of playing would include and she just reacted.

"Play. Nice." The words were spoken through teeth gritted in anger and disgust, and she reached up, slamming the flat edge of her palm into his throat, causing him to stagger back, eyes bugged out in surprise, gasping for air around his pained throat. "Fuck. You." He lunged, knocking Ashley to the floor in a clatter of bar stools and shattered beer mugs, she pushed herself up clumsily, her hair falling over her face, casting it in shadows, her eyes glinting in the dim light, a smirk playing around the corners of her mouth, "Let's play then." She said huskily, raising one hand and beckoning him forward, her other hand playing loosely with the long bladed knife she carried wherever she went.

"Bitch." He spat the word, lumbering purposefully towards her, his giant meaty hands clenching the closer her got. His eyes went round as he felt a slashing sting on his forearm and saw the ruby droplets as his blood begin making a rapid escape from his body before seeing the slightly feral grin on the small woman before him who was now coming at him with a blade he had somehow missed, swinging it with deadly precision. _Not good_…he deflected a jab meant for his stomach, a burning pain coming over his hands as he felt the sharp edge slice through his skin. _Little girl has claws…_"Al" he barked the name, and was rewarded when the bouncer appeared, wrapping an arm around the attacking woman's waist, and halting her forward progress, and he went to work…

***

Ashley felt herself momentarily airborne before she crashed onto the pavement, the rough coldness jarring her temporarily from welcoming the encroaching darkness around the edges of her vision. She hadn't expected to win the fight…but she also hadn't expected to feel as she did now, as though every bone in her body had been snapped in a dozen places. She drew a shuddering breath, wincing mentally at the searing pain that ripped through her chest. After a while the blows had stopped hurting, the only thing letting her know that she was being beaten being the dull thuds of boots connecting with her flesh, fists raining down upon her head until she could barely keep her swollen eyes open. _Can't say I didn't ask for it…_she would have smiled if she could have, she chased pain like some people chased the rush of their first high, it was an addiction of sorts, and she just couldn't let herself be happy. Couldn't let herself find any peace. Sometimes she wondered if what had happened to her had driven her slightly crazy, at least that's what all of her old friends had thought when she'd gone on the last pain seeking binge. Ashley struggled to pull her cell phone from her pocket, pushing herself back to the surface of consciousness, forcing herself to stay awake long enough to make one phone call.

"H-hello?" The voice on the other end sounded breathless, as though the speaker had just finished running a two tour marathon, but it warmed Ashley through.

"Spencer," she said the name almost reverently, "I just…I wanted to say…I'm sorry…I-I-…"

"Ashley?" She waited in silence for a response, "Ashley?" She called again, trying to knock the fear from her voice. The bruised woman heard the words being spoken, could hear the shaking in Spencer's voice as she fought to control an unexplainable fear, but found herself unable to speak, suddenly exhausted beyond comprehension, and sank into the beckoning darkness.

***The song on the jukebox, **_**Arms of a Woman**_**, belongs to Amos Lee and I own none of the rights.**


	10. End of the Line

Ashley cracked her eyes slightly, immediately shutting them against the harsh glow of the street light, fighting back a wave of nausea that threatened to knock her unconscious once again, _God…what the hell did I get myself into…_her head fell back against the brick wall, with a soft thud that reverberated much too strongly through her aching body. _How did I get here_…she tried opening her eyes once more, pushing back the sickness and pounding in her head to take in her surroundings, a gasp escaping from her lips as the memory of the day came flooding back to her, actions, pain, that she desperately wished she could take back. "Spencer," the name was spoken in a soft whisper that seemed so out of place in the harsh back alley of the bar. Her eyes closed once again, mahogany hair cascading over her face in a temporary wall of shame as she tried to forget the look in those blue eyes, eyes that usually shone with a mischievous sparkle, tried to forget the dimming of that light as her fist had struck the blonde, knocking her to the ground, and felt sick. Felt sick in a way she hadn't…ever…because in that moment, as she had stared down into Spencer's suddenly guarded eyes, chest heaving with rapidly evaporating anger, she knew. She was no more in control of her drinking than she was of the feelings that had been developing for her honey-haired friend. If, and she sent up a silent prayer, they were still that. _I'm such a screw-up…_

With a sigh, she pushed herself to her feet, swaying unsteadily, and grasped the wall as the world began to tilt sickeningly in her vision. _How bad is it…_she drew a hesitant breath, letting it out in a rushed hiss at the fiery throbbing that shot from her right side, enveloping her in blaze of pain. _It's not as though I don't deserve it…_her dark brows narrowed with purpose as she eyed the still busy street at the end of the alley, and stumbled towards it, determined to find some way to solve her problems, just to make things a little easier…for everyone. _I'm so fucking tired of hurting all the time…_squaring her shoulders as best she could, she stepped into the oncoming traffic, head raised as she stared down the approaching car, eyes locked on the stars, and waited…

***

"Spencer," Derrick couldn't help shouting her name as he took in her bedraggled appearance. Blonde hair laying flat on her head, eyes dully taking him in, "is everything okay?" For a moment it looked as though she would answer, but the words stilled on the tip of her tongue, and when she looked up at him, tears beginning to trek silently down her face, he reached out almost involuntarily, gently turning her head to the side, "What happened?"

"I-I don't know," her voice cracked, _everything had been…almost perfect, _"…I think there's something wrong with me. There has to be. She wouldn't have done what she did if there wasn't…I should have known," she took a deep breath and ran a shaky hand through her hair, trying to calm herself, "I knew she had issues, but I never thought—"

"Hold up. Hold it," Derrick raised his hands as though warding off potential attack, "you should probably come in," he stuck his head out the door, looking left and right, "this isn't the best place to have what appears to be a semi-meltdown," his lips quirked in a grin, softening the harshness of the words as he took her hand, pulling her inside, "look, why don't you get cleaned up. You look like you just trekked the Sahara."

"I didn't exactly come here carrying a knapsack," Spencer snapped.

"That…was probably a little insensitive. I'm not really good at, you know," he gestured towards her, "helping people who've had rough day. I'm a bit of a clown, and my automatic instinct is to try to make people laugh. I'm sorry," he shrugged, and raised one eyebrow quizzically in her direction, "how about, I loan you a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, you can take a shower, and then…we'll take a few bowl hits."

She spared him a tired grin, "the shower sounds great…the ganja, on the other hand, I'll have to do without," she began walking down the hallway towards the bathroom, her footsteps growing softer, "just throw the clothes in here when you find them." The door shut, opening an instant later, Spencer's head hanging around the corner, a small grin playing on her lips, "thanks."

He watched the door shut again, feeling his heart sputter momentarily in his chest. _Maybe one day…_

***

"Ashley, what the fuck," Jon jumped from the car, reaching his friend just in time to keep her from pitching face first onto the ground, face flushed with confusion and more than a trace of anger, "what have you done now?" Small hands tightened on his shirt, and he could feel her body shaking with barely contained sobs. "Okay, it's okay," for the second time in less than two years he felt a tiny piece of his heart break as he looked down at his friend, once again astounded by the vulnerability she tried at all times to hide away…and it was killing her. "Let's get you someplace safe," he placed a finger beneath her chin, gently forcing her to make eye contact, and could feel the tears begin to sting the corner of his eyes as he realized just what may have happened, "I'm just going to carry you, alright?" Placing a hand around her shoulders, he lifted her slowly, his other arm cradling her legs as she leaned against his body, "Don't worry," he whispered into her ear, "I won't tell anyone that a strappingly handsome man had to carry you," and thankfully heard what he thought was a tiny laugh as he laid her gently on the backseat, "Ash, I really think I need to take you to the hospital."

"No," her voice sounded hoarse, her maple eyes snapped to attention, "I just want to go home."

"But you're pretty banged up, and I think I felt your ribs—"

"Just take me home, please?"

Jon hesitated a moment, nearly caving to her request, before something made him stop, a frown falling over his features, "Can we please just think for a moment about how I found you? I…I really don't think you should be alone right now. If you don't let me take you to the hospital, I'm taking you to my place with Brad. I'm afraid to leave you alone because," _…of what you might do…_"you might need some help in the middle of the night. It's my place or the hospital."

"Fine."

He swallowed, trying to rid himself of the memory of the last time she had sounded so defeated, knowing that she had given in too easily, "thank you," he laid his hand on her shoulder, squeezing softly before climbing behind the wheel, ignoring the angry honking of the other drivers, and headed home.

***

"Chinese," Spencer's eyes lit up as she took in the spread of food sat out on the table, glancing down embarrassed as her stomach chose that moment to rudely announce itself, "well, I guess I should eat then." She took a seat across from Derrick, feeling a thousand times better after washing away the grime of the day, "how much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," his hand reached uncertainly across the table, pausing just before reaching Spencer's own, something in her eyes made him think different, and he grabbed a tub a lo mein instead, trying to ignore the suddenly awkward silence. One that was almost as bad as the time he, while struggling with a case of explosive diarrhea, thought jumping down half a flight of stairs would help him reach the bathroom faster. He gnawed the corner of his lip as his face flushed a dark red at the memory, "I just, you looked like you needed it, is all, and," he finished with a flourish, slapping more than three people's worth of food onto her plate, "I distinctly remember you saying you loved Chinese food."

Her eyebrows wiggled teasingly, "do you really? Or do you just know it's next to impossible to find someone who _doesn't_ love Chinese food?"

"Ah, well, see…what had happened was—" He was cut off by her laugh, and ducked his head as he felt his face grow two shades darker, "alright…so I lied, _but_ at least you're laughing a little."

"Eh, I'm a girl," she began with a noncommittal shrug, "dump hot water on me and pump me full of carbs and I'm pretty much happy."

Derrick's eyes bulged as Coke began making a dramatic exit from his nostrils, "pump you full of _what_?"

"Carbs? Carbohydrates? Bread? Pasta?" she lifted her hands, "you know, the stuff that's gonna make my ass big?"

"Right…right," he muttered, wiping roughly at his face with a napkin, turning his attention to a neglected spring roll on his plate. He heard her laughing, but was more than determined not to make eye contact, hoping she wouldn't decide to mock him, and felt the tension seep from his shoulders when she instead attacked the plate of lo mein like a last meal. They finished their dinner in a companionable silence, broken only by requests for soy and duck sauce. "So," his fork fell to his now empty plate with a clink, "do you want to tell me what's going on?"

She looked up at him, before quickly lowering her eyes to her plate, absentmindedly playing with her still damp hair, "it's nothing, really."

Derrick leaned forward, his forearms pressed onto the table, "don't tell me it's nothing. I saw your face when you got here, and that bruise…"

"Please, Derrick, just drop it for now. I don't know—" Spencer jumped slightly, the white t-shirt sliding off one shoulder, as her phone rang out from across the room, "I should probably get that." She rushed over, thankful for the interruption, noticing an unrecognizable number before uttering a quick hello. Derrick watched her from across the room, eyebrows knitting together as she fell breathless to the couch, hand over her eyes, "what is it that you think I can do? God, she doesn't—" her jaw clenched as she continued listening, "okay…yeah…" she disconnected the call, turning haunted blue eyes towards her friend, " I need a ride."

***

"Where is she?" Spencer threw open the door just as Brad had begun opening it, shoving past the muscle-bound man, a fierce determination on her face, following the pointing finger into the living room, Derrick close on her heels. "Ashley," the dark haired woman looked up, seeming so much smaller in one of her friend's oversized shirts and sweatpants, and her face fell at the threatening rumblings she heard in Spencer's voice.

"Hey," she stood from the couch, her voice horse, and took a step towards the blonde, arms held awkwardly at her side, "…I-I'm sorry about—" she never finished her sentence as she felt her head being turned by a harsh slap that nearly took her too her knees. Ashley snapped her head back around, a glower falling over her face as she reached a hand up to rub her jaw, "I deserved that," she worked to control her anger as Spencer's hand landed once again on her cheek, provoking a headache that had just begun to subside back into a roaring pounding behind her eyes.

A hush fell over the room, the three men staring, unsure of what to do, the only sounds the rapid in and out of Spencer's breathing, "You think that was because you _hit_ me?"

There was a rough edge to her voice that Ashley hadn't even heard the day she attacked Tyler, and she took a step back, "wasn't it?"

"No," her tone took on a note of deadly calm, "but I swear if you ever, _ever_, even think about—"

"It was a mistake Spencer, okay?" Ashley felt her eyes drawn to the ceiling, anywhere that wasn't the turbulent sea of the blonde's blue eyes, anything but that.

"No, you look at me," she forced eye contact, snatching Ashley's head back down, grabbing hold of her face so she couldn't look away, "_that_ was because you nearly got yourself beaten to death in some godforsaken bar and because," her voice shook, trembling with fear and…something else, "because you tried to kill yourself."

The statement hung there, in the open, daring anyone to contradict it, but truth is truth, and Ashley just hung her head, knowing there would be no words to say, "Spencer…"

"I can't watch you do this to yourself." Blue eyes hardened even as her shoulders slumped in defeat, "I won't." She turned before Ashley could see the silent tears burning their way down her face, steeling herself against the cries of her name, and walked out.


	11. Defenseless

Ashley stood in front of the glass double doors, feet rooted firmly in place as she peered nervously through into the interior. Glad that at least this place seemed somewhat inviting and lacked the usual coldness she had come to associate with hospitals of any kind. _C'mon, Davies…just push open the stupid door_. She shook her head, swaying slightly on her feet and wishing for nothing more than Spencer's presence. After Spencer had walked out, she felt as though the ground beneath her feet had opened up, dragging her beneath the Earth's surface, sealing her in the dampness of depression. Ashley was used to pushing people away by now, but seeing the look of utter sadness right before the blonde had turned away, right before she had given her up as a lost cause, tore into her being with a predatory efficiency.

"Spencer," the whispered name ripped itself from her throat, hollow and raw, and she pulled her arm back, throwing the nearly empty vodka bottle into the glass doors, watching as the glass shattered, falling apart like a shaken puzzle.

"Can…I help you?"

Ashley took a step back, preparing to run, before she caught sight of the kind expression on the woman's face, and found that her legs wouldn't obey, "I don't know, can you," she shot back, leaning in to view the nametag pinned on the woman's chest, "Cynthia?"

The woman crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, a smirk pulling on the corner of her mouth, "it kind of depends on the problem."

"Oh, oh, I see," she stumbled forward, roughly wiping her hair from her face, "so you can't _really_ help me. What the hell is up with people saying they're going to help you and then, _then_, just when you really need them, poof," she clapped her hands before throwing them drunkenly in the air, "they just disappear like some fucking wizard and you're stuck there, standing there, gaping like some fucking idiot, wondering—you know, wondering how you ended up standing there looking stupid…and _then_ you're supposed—"

"Hel-_lo_," Cynthia snapped her fingers in front of the frazzled brunette's eyes, "I don't know if you realize this, but you're rambling."

"Are all black women this sassy?" Ashley clapped her hands over her mouth, eyes bugging out as she realized a moment too late what she had just said, "What I meant to say—"

"Forget it," her dark curls shook, as she laughed, "I've heard worse, believe me, and drunk little girls don't really bother me."

"I'm not," she stopped, head dropping as she shrugged a shoulder, "I am. Drunk," as she looked up into the grey eyes of the woman before her, she felt the hot burn of tears as they worked their way down her face, "Sorry," she ran a hand across her face, turning to walk away. _God, can't I just keep it together for two minutes…_

"It's okay," Cynthia stopped her with a soft, but firm grip, on her arm, "you obviously came here for a reason. Something you need help with?"

Her face twisted into a snarl as she become unexplainably angry, and snatched her arm away, "I don't need any help."

"You don't…so you're just standing outside, throwing bottles because you're so in control. You're not beyond help, but you've got to ask for it. That part's on you, it's your life, and it's your choice." The older woman shrugged, the lines around her mouth tightened as she began to turn away.

"I'm sick of everyone leaving me," Ashley stumbled forward, tripping over her feet, and falling to the ground with a hard thud, her hand reaching out to grab the hem of Cynthia's nursing scrubs, her chocolate eyes pleading, "I'm tired of hurting, and being alone…and…" she felt the other woman kneel, her grey eyes looking down on her with a mixture of comfort and kindness, "I…I'm pretty sure," she drew a deep breath, preparing to say something she couldn't have pictured saying even ten minutes ago, "I know I have a drinking problem. Can you help me?"

"Of course," she tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, a small smile on her face, "I was wondering if you were going to get there. You've come to the right place," Cynthia pulled Ashley to her feet, putting the smaller woman's arm around her shoulder in support, "let's get you checked in…?"

"Ashley…Davies."

"Alright, Ashley," she pushed open the door, the white light temporarily blinding her companion, "we're going to take care of you."

***

"Have you heard anything?" Brie placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder, brushing away some of the hair from her friend's face, feeling a tiny pang of guilt at being unable to do more.

"No. Nothing," Spencer replied, clicking on her inbox once again, hoping to see an e-mail from Ashley, anything to tell her how the dark haired girl was. _I shouldn't have walked out…I shouldn't…_

"I bet she's fine, you know?" Even as she said the words, Brie didn't exactly believe them, she raised a hand, scratching her head, "ten bucks says she'll come find you soon."

"It's been three days, and nothing," she stood from her chair, moving so quickly that it flew backward, clattering to the floor, "what if she's hurt? What if—"

"Stop," her roommate shook her head, crossing her arms across her chest, "if you think like that you're going to drive yourself bat shit crazy."

"I know…it's just…she's my friend and I'm worried. I can't think of a way to explain it. Ashley needs me," she ran a hand through her hair, trying to banish a hundred different things from her mind with little success, "she needs _some_one."

"Look Spencer, I get that you guys became good friends, but can you really be safe around her? She _hit_ you."

"She didn't mean it," she quickly jumped to Ashley's defense, somewhat surprised to find herself defending her volatile friend in the face of something so unacceptable.

"Do you know how many people say that? They say the person didn't mean it, and do you know what happens?" Brie pushed her glasses up further, her hazel eyes darkening with intensity, "They do it again."

"Yeah, well, I kind of hit her back…" she mumbled, "twice."

"Spencer!" Her eyebrows disappeared beneath her bangs, "how is that solving the problem?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, an impish grin briefly crossing her features before they reset back into what had been perpetual sadness, "I think I'm gonna go for a walk, or something." She shrugged into a blue hoodie she grabbed from the floor, glancing wistfully at the hat Ashley had given her the first night they hung out, and with a small sigh, grabbed it too, placing it on her head.

"Hey, Spencer?"

"Yeah?"

"It's going to be okay."

"Sure," she tried to smile, hoping it would reach her eyes, making it somewhat believable, before closing the door behind her.

***

"I don't want to do this anymore," Ashley lay on her side, teeth clenched against the bone wrenching pain that seemed to shoot from her spine, affecting every nerve in her body, "I don't. I don't…"

"It's going to be okay, I promise," Cynthia pulled the blanket up, tucking it beneath the shivering girl's chin, her grey eyes awash with sympathy, "you're doing great."

"H-how long will it hurt?"

She looked down, before meeting golden brown eyes dizzy with pain, briefly wondering if she should lie, dismissing the idea as soon as it crossed her mind, "You've been drinking pretty heavily for awhile…it's not going to be easy," Ashley closed her eyes at the news, her damp bangs clinging to her forehead as though she were fevered, "another four days…maybe longer?"

"I can't do that," she shook her head into the pillow, her face pale with the effort it took to keep from throwing up what little broth she had been able to get down earlier in the day. _I'm falling apart…I can't handle this_…her eyes slammed shut once again as a spasm rocked through her. Tears leaked through her closed eyes, sliding silently to the bed. What she felt now, it was as though her body was trying to split itself apart from the molecular level, rebelling against itself in a frenzied battle for sobriety. _If I had known it would be like this, I never would have come…_the instant the thought flashed through her mind, she saw her, knew it was all in her head, but smiled anyway. "Hey, Spencer," the blonde leaned against the far wall, watching, her sapphire eyes glowing with quiet pride.

"Ashley?" Cynthia had seen the brown eyes go far, become unfocused, and had grown worried. It could only mean the girl's drinking had been a lot worse than she and the doctors had originally thought. She placed a hand against her patient's cheek, pulling it back quickly, the burning skin searing her, "shit. Hey, I'm gonna go get some cool cloths, ok?" The girl continued to stare far off, the small smile on her lips growing, as she stood to leave.

"You came," Ashley reached out weakly, wanting the blonde to come closer, her hand clenching into a fist as the other girl continued to lean against the wall.

"I'm proud of you, Ash…"

"Get out of my fucking way," a man's voice could be heard out in the hallway, sounding slightly frantic and moving closer to her room.

"Jon?" she took her eyes from Spencer for a moment, as her friend burst through the door, rushing to her side, Brad and two security guards following closely behind, "what are you doing here?"

"You need to come with us," the smaller of the guards placed a hand, none too gently, on Brad's forearm, making to pull him back, before being stopped by a look of anger so stark it caused him to draw back, apprehension dawning on his features.

"Hey buddy," Jon grabbed her hand, "you should have told us where you were going. We would have come with you."

"Seriously," Brad knelt by the bed, shaking his head, "I swear you do more to cause me to panic than, well…um…you just had me worried is all. How're you holding up?"

"I feel like shit," her eyes flicked back to the wall where Spencer had been a moment before, her face falling when she saw the blonde had disappeared, "where'd she go?"

"Where'd who go?" Jon looked around, "there's nobody here but us…"

"Spencer, she was just…" her mouth clamped shut as she tried to force the waves of nausea rolling through her away, "Oh, God," her back arched, spasms shooting from her spine, pushing her to what she thought must be the brink of her sanity, "…this is too hard…"

Brad and Jon exchanged looks, the worry and fear mirrored in the other's face, "Do you," Brad placed a hand on the small of her back, hoping his presence might help her ride out the storm, maybe relieve just a little of the pain, "…Spencer, do you want us to bring her to see you? Would that help?"

"No," her hair fell over her face, her teeth grinding together, "I don't want her to see me this way…just…tell her I'm okay. Please?"

"Sure thing, we'll come back to visit, okay?"

"Don't…I'll find you when I'm done."

"But—"

"Please." Her golden eyes sought out his, begging him not to watch her this way, "I promise I'll find you guys, but I've got to do this."

"Okay," Brad stood, his pale eyes haunted at being unable to help his friend, praying to whatever may be listening that she'd make it through, "we love you, Ash…and we're here if you need us."

Jon placed a kiss on her forehead, "Don't you dare tell anyone what a mushball I am," his eyes crinkled in the corners as he smiled down at her, "I'm proud of you…"

"You're actually gonna make me sick, you know that?" She waved them away, her eyes closing as she drew a deep breath, ready to fight for herself, for her friends…for Spencer…


	12. Lucky

Moments like these, no matter how completely shitty the days before may have been, always seemed to imbue Spencer with a new sense of hope. Dark, wet sand clung to the soles of her feet, and she turned her head toward the heavy breeze coming up from the ocean, inhaling deeply, filling her body with the salty calmness the rolling waves always seemed to give to her. She didn't know how long she'd been standing there, watching the crashing waves batter the shore, _it's nice to know things stay the same, sometimes…_but she dreaded going back to reality. The desire to stay locked into the dream world of her own creation, paled in comparison to the burning desire she had to see her dark-haired friend. A frown began drawing itself on her face, pulling her brows down, furrowing a line of worry between her eyes, as she fought off yet another set of tears. She cast a glance to the sky, trying desperately to match her mood with the sunlight that was just beginning to creep over the horizon, warming the dark sky with taunting pieces of pink and orange highlights. "Ashley…I hope you're okay…I miss you…" Spencer paused as the wind picked up, carrying her words away, hoping against all sense that they would reach the ears of the one who they were spoken for, before turning and beginning the slow trek back towards campus, feeling very much as though the weight of the entire world had be dumped on her shoulders. She shot a look at towards the bus stop, before deciding to walk the rest of the way; _it's only three blocks anyway._

***

"For the love of _God_, discharge me, now," Ashley stood at the receptionist desk, arms folded, nostrils flaring as she waited for the next possible excuse they could come up with to hold her longer.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Davies, but a doctor has to say it's okay to release you." The older woman didn't even look up from her computer screen, completely bored with the anger that was rolling from the hospital's patient.

"Then call a doctor. I have places to go, someone important to see."

"Mmm-hmm," she continued clicking aimlessly through websites.

Ashley slammed her hand down on the desk, working to keep the smirk from her face as the lady jumped, causing her glasses to slide haphazardly down her face, "you listen to me, you overpaid, worthless desk custodian. I want to be discharged. _You_ will make it happen. _Now_," she growled, her upper lip curling into a snarl, "or so help me I will shove my size eight up your—"

"Ashley!"

Ashley suppressed a groan as she spun in the direction of the voice, and had the decency to look at least somewhat chagrined, "yes, Cynthia?" She pulled on the drawstring of her in-patient scrubs, refusing to meet the older woman's eye.

"Care to explain your little temper tantrum?"

"Uhm…no?"

"Davies," she stretched the name out far beyond its two syllables as she grabbed her young charge's arm, pulling her away from the admittance desk with a shrug of apology to the near apoplectic receptionist, "you've still got a month left, you can't just go sauntering out of here before we—"

"I have to leave."

"No, you can't. If we let you leave before you're ready—"

"I'm ready, I can handle it," Ashley reached out, grasping her hand, her cinnamon colored locks falling over her eyes, "Cynthia, please? There's someone out there waiting for me…and I don't know how long they're going to just hang around…you have to let me out of here, please?"

"I don't know," her mouth twisted as she ran the thought through her head, "you were pretty big on the juice, you know?"

"It's not like I have track marks," she took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them once again, meeting Cynthia's hazy grey with firm determination, "either you let me out of here, voluntarily, or I'm going to find some way to _force _you to let me go…and I'll do anything."

"Uh huh," she began walking away, completely ignoring the threat, "you must picture yourself being seven feet tall or something. Child, please, now go and get ready for group."

"Would it change your mind any if I," she hesitated, running a hand through her hair, wishing she had a ball cap to twist, "dammit, would it help if I told you I think I may love them, and they need to know? Please?" The last word was barely a whisper, and hung between them, a silent admission of vulnerability, "I need to see her."

"Are you serious?" She spun back, a grin beginning to break on her face.

"Yeah…"

"You are going to get me fired. Come on, let's—"

"Thank you, really I—"

"Not so fast Davies," Cynthia held up a hand, cutting Ashley off, "I'll let you out early but you have to come back _three_ times a week for therapy, otherwise, I'll hold you here until you die."

"Deal," and then she smiled, one of the most honest she had shown the older woman, and felt if warm her through, almost as much as holding Spencer in her arms had. _I'm coming…I swear…_

***

"Am I boring you, Ms Carlin?" The Victorian literature professor scowled from the front of the classroom, a giant chalk streak standing out in stark contrast to his black button down.

"Not exactly?" Spencer wanted nothing more than to pick up the giant anthology her professor had ordered them all to buy at the beginning of the semester and chuck it as his pompous head.

"Wrong. Answer. Am I boring anyone else?" All the other students ducked their heads, refusing to meet his stare, "Hmmm, just you then, maybe things would be a little less boring…on your own?"

_What a bunch of cowards_, she was tempted to stick her tongue out, but shoved her three year old self back down with a sigh, "Sorry, my mind's on other things." The class groaned.

"Wrong answer, _again_, you seem to be making a habit of this—"

_If he doesn't shut up, I'm going to rip his toupee off his head and shove it in his mouth_, "What do you want me to say?"

"I _want_ you to pay attention, now if you would please open your book to the _correct _page…now Ms. Carlin—"

"SPEEEEENCEEEEEER," the voice rang out down the hallway, causing Spencer's heart to jump in her throat.

_I know…_"Ashley," she spoke the name hesitantly, almost afraid to believe that it wasn't some made up dream, that she had indeed just heard her name shouted throughout the English department by the one person she had longed to see, the only person who could fill the listless void that had opened up the day she had walked away.

"You have visitors?" The professor rolled his eyes, walking to slam the door shut.

"Woah, hold it," a hand stop the slamming door, and then she was there. Her smoky hair cascading down her back in waves, tentative smile hiding laughing eyes beneath the brim of a baseball cap, "Hey Spence," she locked eyes with the blonde, and felt her heart swell in her chest and became lightheaded, and though someone had sucked every bit of oxygen from her body, "so…I've been gone a while," she shoved one hand into her baggy shorts, the other holding the acoustic guitar slung around neck in place.

"Understatement," Spencer croaked out.

"Ms. Carlin, you're about two seconds away from flunking this class for the semester if you don't—"

"Will you cool it?" Ashley snapped, and even though she was annoyed, the anger that always seemed to have simmered beneath the surface had disappeared, "I'm trying to have a moment here. Spencer…" she took a step forward, before stopping, "…I don't know what I should say…"

"You don't have to say anything…"

"I…God, I'm no good at this whole expressing emotions thing," she made a face, "it's something they told me to work on…just…" her head dropped as she began absentmindedly strumming soft chords on her guitar, face burning as she realized what she was about to do, "walk with me. *Do you hear me, talking to you, across the water, across the deep, blue ocean, under the open sky, oh my…baby I'm trying*…" her voice came out cool and husky without the hesitation she had shown before, as she began walking backwards out of the room, her eyes telling Spencer to follow.

"Ashley?" Spencer grabbed her bag, and shot an apologetic look to her professor before turning the corner, looking for the mocha haired mirage that had shown up, as she always did, when she was least expected.

"*Girl, I hear you, in my dreams. I feel you whisper, across the sea, I keep you with me, in my heart*," she backed slowly out of the main doors, her eyes never leaving Spencer's as they both stepped out into the afternoon sunshine, and knew the smile on her face couldn't even begin to convey the surge of emotions coursing through her, "*you make it easier when life gets hard, lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to be coming home again*…"

"Wha—" Spencer felt hot tears begin coursing down her face, as Ashley continued to sing, shaking her head as Jon and Brad busied themselves behind the brunette, knocking over each other as they hurriedly finished placing bowling pins behind the singer, setting up a miniature alley, "how did you guys even…"

"Part of the magic, Spence," Ashley stopped playing, her dark voice singing out alone, in the near empty quad, "…*so I'm sailing, through the sea, to an island, where we'll meet. You'll hear the music fill the air, I'll put a flower in your hair…as the world keeps spinning round, you hold me, right here, right now. Lucky I'm in love with my best friend*…" She pulled the guitar over her head, dropping it carelessly to the ground, "I-I know some stupid song isn't going to fix everything, and I know I screwed up. I know I did…but," she licked her lips, jamming her hands into her pockets to stop herself from reaching out and pulling Spencer to her, wanting nothing more than to breathe her in, and take her. "Damn, I didn't imagine this would be so hard. Spencer I lo—"

"Ashley," she stepped closer, her blonde hair falling forward, tickling the older girl's face, her eyes darkened as she stared up into the calm surface of her eyes, "remember how I was always trying to get you to open up?"

"Uhm, yeah?"

Her hands tangled themselves in Ashley's polo, pulling her closer, until she felt the other's lips on hers as she spoke, "well…I take it all back."

"I don't under—"

"Will you just shut up already?" Spencer ran her tongue over the lower lip presented to her, enjoying the shudder she felt race through the body in her arms, before those very lips claimed her own…and then…she was lost. Tumbling head over heels, without a landing spot in sight, and surprisingly, that knowledge did nothing to make her think that this kiss. This moment, was wrong, and did nothing but help her understand that it was more than right.

***The Song Ashley sings is Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat, "Lucky" and I own none of the rights***


	13. Trust Me

**Well, this is it guys. Thanks so much for reading, and for all the feedback. It really does mean a lot. It's been a bumpy ride for these two, but hopefully, they'll get a little peace. It's not like they don't deserve it. At some point, I'll revisit this version of Spashley, but until then...au revoir.  
-Mo  
**

* * *

"Can we go somewhere?"

"Wha…" Ashley pulled back, bleary eyed, confusion etching itself across her features, "why do we need…" Spencer tried not to laugh as she raised a hand, and pointed to the window of her Victorian Lit class where several girls were theatrically swooning amid the fist pumps and chest thumping of the boys, "oh." Her face flushed crimson red as she pulled her cap down lower.

"Cute," the blonde tapped her lightly on the nose before grabbing her hand, "I'm serious. I want to be alone with you," she leaned closer, her lips brushing against the older woman's ear, "now." She growled.

"Well," she attempted to regain some sense of composure. _I'm supposed to be the experienced one, but I swear, if she looks at me like that again…_"if you insist."

"Hey, you guys are leaving?" Brad stood with his hands spread apart, mouth hanging slightly open, "for real? Dude, do you have any idea how hard it was to get all those bowling pins? We had to sneak into the place _after _they closed!" His hands flew to his hips, and he suddenly looked as though he were scolding a group of toddlers, "We could have been arrested, you could at least—"

"Ass-douche," Jon slapped him playfully in the stomach, "leave them alone. You're being a total box block right now."

"Box block? I don't even know what that is." He turned his attention back to the women who were attempting to sneak away, "No way, you guys are going to fucking bowl."

Ashley shot him a look, eyebrow raised, "we are?"

"Fine, go on. Do the lezzie shag, but you owe me a beer."

"No, she doesn't," Spencer placed a protective hand on the brunette's waist.

"You're such a moron," Jon tugged on Brad's shirt, simultaneously waving the two women away, "I'll handle mini-brain," he smiled, "you guys go…ah…catch up."

Ashley flashed him a grateful smile and offered her crooked arm to Spencer with a flourish, "shall we?"

Blue eyes sparkled with laughter, "Oh, I think we shall."

"You two are already making me sick, what the hell am I supposed to do if you start dating?" Brad looked from one to the other, waiting for a response, when Jon's hand connected with the back of his head, sending him stumbling forward.

"Didn't I say leave them alone," he pulled his friend more forcefully, "Man, if I'm about to hook up with a chick and you do that to me, I will eat your future babies."

"Gross," he stuck out his tongue, crossing his eyes as he was led away.

"Wow," Ashley cocked her head to the side as she watched them walk away, "those two are ridiculous."

"You know what else is ridiculous?"

"Hmm?"

"The fact that I should be furious with you for disappearing on me for so long, _again_, and instead…all I want to do is just, look at you, and hold you…and—"

"Then what are we waiting for?"

"I'm not waiting on anything," Spencer looked up shyly, a slight blush coloring her features, "not anymore."

Ashley scuffed her shoe on the ground, trying not to let the other know just how much those few words meant to her. She reached up shakily to grab her hat, "Spence—"

"No more hiding, okay Ash?" she stopped the hand mid-motion, then spun the cap around, brim backwards, sapphire eyes locking onto golden-browns, trapping them both in a world of their own creation, where it was just the two of them, and nobody else existed, _nothing_ else existed, "it's about time you let me see you, isn't it?"

"Yeah," she swallowed hard, "I guess it is," her lips met Spencer's once again, and she had to force herself to keep from scooping the younger woman up in her arms and carrying her away into the distance, "we should really leave. Like right now."

"What do you think," the blonde grabbed her bottom lip between her teeth, "I've been trying to do?"

"Where?"

"I don't care, just take me with you."

***

"How's this?" Warm arms encircled Spencer's waist from behind, and she could feel the chuckle that sounded, low and heavy, in Ashley's chest, as she leaned her head back, drawing in a deep breath of ocean air.

"It's perfect," she couldn't keep the smile that threatened to break out on her face from doing so as they stood on the balcony of the glass house, each lost in their own strangely similar thoughts.

"This doesn't freak you out?"

"What," she spun around, wrapping her arms around Ashley's neck, her head lolling lazily against an offered shoulder, "the fact that I'm quite possibly falling down some never-ending—"

"No," lips found Spencer's ear, nibbling softly, eliciting a guttural moan from the blonde, "the girl part."

"Wait, hold it," blue eyes widened mockingly, "you're a _girl_? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, woe unto me!"

"Har. Har."

"No, the fact that you're a girl doesn't freak me out…" her voice grew quiet, "the drinking, and lashing out…that freaks me out and I still don't—"

"It won't happen again Spencer. Ever." Ashley's jaw clenched and she tightened her hold, "I promise."

Spencer pulled away, and wrapped her arms around herself, her eyes growing gray and clouded as she looked out over the horizon. Nearly every part of her wanted to believe what she was hearing. That the woman behind her had finally decided to let go of what had been haunting her, to decide to start living again, but…past experiences did nothing to assuage her fears. As much as she wanted to just let go, and fall endlessly into those chocolate browns that watched her with a mixture of pain and trepidation, she just couldn't, not after everything, even if she wanted it, "Ashley," she didn't turn around, and her words almost became lost, picked up by the wind, to be discarded down the coast, tossed upon ears that wouldn't understand what they heard, "you really shouldn't promise things like that…promises that you probably can't keep. It's not fair," she tucked a stray strand of hair behind an ear, before gripping the rail in front of her, white knuckle-tight, "to me…or to you."

"But I can, you have to trust me…"

"Trust you?" She brought her head down to rest in her hands, torn between wanting the comfort that came from Ashley, and wanting to protect herself from what would most definitely be eventual pain, "I trust you…to break…to drink…to hurt me, and yourself, and your friends." She knew the words would cut the other woman deeply, but they needed to be said, and she knew she needed some form of confirmation either way. Needed to know that if she decided, on this day, to walk away, that it was okay…and if she decided to stay…

"Spencer," gently she reached out, and spun the other around, "look at me," her hand went to the trembling chin of the other woman, "really, truly, look at me," and she pulled her cap from her head, ignoring it as it fell from her fingers, sailing from the balcony out to sea, "it won't happen again. None of it, the drinking, the hurting, none of it, can't you tell I've changed?" Ashley desperately wanted to know someone believed in her. "I need to know that everything I went through, all the pain, and suffering, the internalized hatred that I could only release by drowning myself at the bottom of a bottle had been for a reason…and you…you're my reason."

"Ashley…"

"I didn't disappear, Spence, when you walked out," she sighed, swallowing hard before continuing, "on some level, I think I needed you to do that…that month when you didn't hear from me after…I-I was in rehab."

"What," Spencer gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as her eyes searched the pleading browns in front of her, "but, you never said. Why didn't you tell me?"

Her face was hidden by a curtain of mocha hair as she ducked her head, "because," she began in a barely audible whisper, her voice cracked and hoarse, "if I failed…if I didn't make it, I didn't want to disappoint you. I couldn't come back to you a failure, still broken…you," she sighed heavily, head still bowed, "you deserve so much more than someone who will play tug-of-war with your emotions, with your heart," she leaned into the soft hand that gently cupped her cheek, finally daring to look up, knowing her eyes swam with unshed tears, "I just wanted to be worthy of you."

"But you've always—"

Ashley placed a finger over Spencer's lips, silencing her, "no lies, not between us. Not now, not ever again," her hands tangled themselves in the waves of blonde hair that fell across the younger woman's shoulders as she pulled her closer, close enough to notice the flecks of gold and emerald that mingled in the blue of Spencer's eyes, "I love you." There it was, hanging heavily between the two of them, something Ashley never imagined herself ever saying again, to anyone. "You don't have to say anything, I know it's—"

"Did they teach you to talk this much?"

"Huh?"

"In rehab…would you just be _quiet_," a smile softened the harshness of the words, "I love you, too."

"Say it again." It couldn't be true. Life just didn't turn out this way. People didn't get the things they wanted, not like this. Life was supposed to run a person down, break them into little pieces, but here it was, proving that nothing is as it seems, and just when a person could think it's nothing beyond predictable, "please, say it again."

Spencer placed both hands against Ashley's face, her lips mere inches away from their target, "I." she punctuated each word with a kiss, "love. You."

"You know," Ashley began, as she nuzzled the offered neck before her, "I'm pretty sure you reading that map upside down was the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Oh, it was?"

"Yeah…it was."

"Ashley?"

"Hmmm?" The older girl was already imagining the things to come, particularly those in the immediate future, in her bed….

"Can we stay like this forever?"

"I'm pretty sure I can make that happen, for you, Spencer, anything." She turned, heading towards the bedroom, her fingers entwined with the blondes, peaceful contentment and simultaneous excitement for what her life would bring filling her with a giddy energy, "there are definitely some things I need to teach you, Ms. Carlin."

Spencer smirked, "you've got things to teach me?" she breathed, her hand on the hem of her shirt as she began to pull it over her head, kicking the door shut behind them.


End file.
